Sunday, April 17, 2016

It Isn't Being 'ButtHurt'. It Is About Respect and Appreciation

Today, is the day that Saving Abel ( and Kira, Smile Empty Soul and Veer Union ) comes to the After Dark to perform a concert. I vaguely remember seeing Saving Abel before when Heather still had me under her spell. But then again, I could be confused. Thinking back to that time, a lot of things happened that I am not sure of.

Anyways, Dad needed help, as usual, and volunteered me into going, even though I have mentioned that I didn't want to go because the After Dark is in Clearfield and I no longer have any love for anything in Clearfield ( mainly because there is no love for me in Clearfield ). But he kept insisting he needed me and the boys to help.

So after working with Michael yesterday in Renovo, with CJ and his friend Logan, working a 4 way relay communication plan from the top of the mountain to the bottom that took us all day, Michael gave CJ a check for 100$ to split!

He was talking as if he and Logan was gonna split it 50/50 ( most likely to smoke weed ) and I was like, I drove you mother fuckers up here and did more of the technical stuff ( reading the meter for them to repeat on walkie-talkies down the mountain to Michael so he knew how to rotate the disk ). At the fucking very least it should be cut in 1/3 ( each getting around 33$ ). Then I remembered that the Elite Halo 3 Xbox 360 that he said he would give to me for 30$ so I told him that let's just let you keep the money but I keep the Halo 3 Xbox. Then he started whining that if he were to give me 20$ then he would be losing 10$. I was about the slam on the breaks and take the damn check and rip that shit up. Instead Spencer said that even though he is, in Spencer's words, a Neanderthal, throw enough logic and he'll change gears. So I explained to him that work I did compared to those two. Then he reluctantly agreed to the terms ( manly cuz Logan says that giving me an Xbox 360 he doesn't know where is and that doesn't work to keep the money makes sense - don't worry, I got that part covered ).

Well, anyways, I was upset about the whole payment thing. I don't get paid for any of the work I do for Dad or Michael. Matter of fact, Michael says that my payment is for the family using the company car since Josh wrecked theirs. But I don't even control the car and the only reason I am the one who drives it the most is because other than Mom, I am the only one with a license. I don't just take the car and I always replace the gas that I use ( unlike everyone else in the household who asks to be taken here, there and everywhere in-between ).

And why would he give the fucking check to CJ and not me? The older one and more reliable one. The one who has always been there when he needed it. I opened up to him so much about my 'military' experience and background. I thought we had somewhat of a kinship or brotherhood. Obviously, he tries CJ, the kid who whines and complains ( Michael's words ) whenever asked to do anything tough.

So that pissed me off Saturday.

And on Sunday, on the way to this fucking concert, dad was talking on why he  relied on CJ and Bobby to do security and I was like "WTF! I do everything you asked without question and I am not weak!" Then I explained that when I was living with Bernie in Philipsburg, they had me  life and hold trees to cut and move logs to the barn and even had me cut the logs for firewood. And that was a regular basis. CJ at one time ( according to Dad ) moved a 400lb furnace by myself. Yeah okay, whatever. He made a comment that he would have CJ and Bobby do security over me. Something about me having something to prove, which makes sense because they constantly put me down on things that I want to do.

Like earlier that morning, I was playing Max Payne 3 multiplayer and they were on my ass every time I got shot and died ( BTW, the Sawed Off is a game broken weapon ).

But with what Spencer keep saying about me being a tool to this family rather than an actual member. He says that is what always happens when it comes to T.O.W. families. Every persona has experienced let down after let down.

So getting there, I was already on the verge of pissed at everything. Getting there, I was hopeful. I was thinking I was far enough away from anywhere familiar and I doubt that anyone I knew had money to come to a concert they probably didn't want to go to. Until I got there and saw fucking Jesse Spencer. Jasmine's ex boyfriend before me but this douchebag hassled me when I came back from jail on FaceBook. Fucking FaceBook tough but if there was someone I wanted to take my frustration on was this dude who remained my FaceBook friend just to be a douche to me when I came back.

I tried tell Dad and the boys about it but they told me just to suck it up and worked. I just wanted to let them know that if this guys comes up to me, I won't even hold back. He won't throw a punch to set me off. Probably just talk to me and I would drop him for being a dick and for having Jasmine before me. But I doubt Dad, the boys ... or anyone would have understood. Yes, they seem to really get me, don't they.

But I did work. I directed and worked and get shit down. Even drove the bus driver to the local WalMart to grab bus maintainence things before having to drive the boys home ( because they were whiny and complaining about being there ). Luckily, when we were leaving, Lynnanne was coming with her boyfriend, so I considered that a bullet dodged.

That was until CJ and Bobby and Logan smoked up in the car. I was pissed. Angry. But ... again, I pussied out on putting my foot down. I guess I was worried about over stepping or allowing my anger from before handle this unrelated situation. So I just put on my headset and got home.

I just need ... something to change. And honestly, I hate it when I am wrong and Spencer is absolutly right.