No One Understand

Too much shit has happened lately. And it isn't monumental. Just a series of small shit.

Got a girlfriend named Felicia over Monica, but obviously Felicia last until mid December where she dumped me for this random mother fucker closer to her named Calvin Smith.

I left that behind.

James suggested that I just get someone to be around. He reminded me that he used to have Cuddle Parties and Nap Dates. So I found a girl named Misti to come over to sleep. To force me to lay in bed with me and just make me stay in bed and sleep.

However, since I am in this household with other people, she now is getting attached to the people her. Making her stay more. And honestly that is also my fault because I wanted something to come out of it.

I started to get attached.

And then some real shit started happening. Like she is starting to have an opinion about my life. When she is curious, she asks questions and I answer. And I see her drift. I see her mentally look for exits. I see that she is going to leave eventually.

Just like all the others.

But it is easier. And even though it is sad, I think I am learning to feel better about people leaving.

But she said some shit yesterday to me that made me think. She says that I try to please everyone. That I try to make everyone happy. I tell her that it is strategic. That no one stays around if you cannot do what they want.

Then she couldn't get why I tried to kill myself when Jasmine told me that the thing that I focused on for 2+ years was telling me that everything I worked on and cared about didn't give 2 shits about me.

And she didn't get why that would make me want to end it all. She didn't get why I felt things were so ... hopeless and meaningless at that time.

But she didn't seem to bother to try to put herself in my shoes. Or maybe she simply can't.

I tried to explain to her what happened between myself and El, Heather and Amanda. She said she got it but honestly sometimes it is hard to explain and even harder to think anyone else could get it.

But I am starting to feel that ... maybe I need to be alone.

Worse Christmas Ever

So Christmas Day, I was kind of excited.  I got the following people things:

Dad ( Charles ):
 -  car radio ( which included radio, adapter and placement plate ) ( ~80$ )
 - cup ( "hard to be nice when it is fun to be naughty" ) ( ~5$ )

Mom ( Sue ) :
 - Season 7 of SuperNatural ( ~ 5$ )
 - Twilight Behind the Scenes Book ( ~5$ )

Bobby:
 - NeverWinter Nights ( ~10$ )
 - 5 KickAss Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Diablo 2 ( ~10$ ) ( almost a gift from my brother Daniel from several years  ago: sentimental value )
 - Steam Gift Card ( ~20$ )

CJ:
 - GameStop Gift Card ( ~25$ )

Tyler:
 - Devil May Cry HD Pack: DMC 1, 2 and 3 ( ~13$ )

Nakoma:
 - Care Bears Movie ( ~5$ )
 - Cartoon Movie Pack ( ~5$ )
 - Viva Pinta XBox 360 Game ( ~15$ )

Josh:
 - Star Trek KeyChain ( ~5$ )
 - Gears of War 1-3? ( ~10-20$ )


So I spent a pretty penny for Christmas for everyone. But I really don't care for the money. That is kind of expected when it comes to Christmas. However, when I started to take pictures of people with their gifts on Christmas, Dad got on my case, saying that he doesn't want these pictures up.

Then CJ made the comment saying that why would anyone want to post pictures for people they don't know to see. Fuck him! I know all those people that I put on my Facebook and they seem to care more than his fucking ass. The only thing that he seems to care about is if I can drive him to see his drug dealer. Other than that, the little fuck gives no fucks.

I mean ... How dare they? How dare they say these things after everything I went through. After everything I continue to go through. Not just me but with them. The financial responsibilities and the effort I put into this family that seems to ... I don't know how they ... who they think I am?

I have no pictures of my life of prior to me coming out of jail. I have no pictures of the 'prior's' lives before me. Pictures of Theodore and Michael and Guy and Chris and James and Spencer and anyone else ... their families ... their existence ... their lives ... as if they didn't matter.

Dad said a while ago, because of something that he didn't and couldn't understand, that I was a liar. He even told our boss, MY BOSS, that I was a liar and everything I say is a lie. He never could understand the struggle and suffering I have been through alone for United Separation.

But I have trusted him many times. Given him money for services and trusted him to pay for things later when I give him money now ... and every time he has let me down. Forgotten and spent the money on other things.

And Josh, thinking he knows shit about my life. Time and time again, I listen to him when he needs an ear and time and time again I bail him out of situations with Sue and Chuck and time and time again, I have to deal with his drivel and his "I know it all" and "I am superior" attitude because Michael enjoys him and his company and conversation. Even though when I confide in him about anything ( things ranging from me moving out from Lynnanne's place to asking him to vouch for me about the XBox I paid HIM for ) he lets me down by 'snitching' ( to Lynnanne about me moving ) and 'forgetting' or not giving enough of a shit about  ( when it came to the XBox ).

And why do I do all of that? Because of what James did? Because of Michael and his foolish ideals of trusting people?

When he went to jail and I tried to get his 'then' girlfriend to do anything, she did nothing and I felt his resentment at me for it. Even now after they have 'broken up', no apologies and no ... reassurance. And he continues to bitch and complain about everything when he owes so much.  He has wrecked both my car ( PT Cruiser - Alice )  and Sue's Durago. They have been in the red to keep him out of jail while they willing let me go in and sit.

But oh, not josh. Never Josh. Their ex-son in law. Their ex-son in law that they let sit in his room all day while I get up early mornings to take care of chores and run people around.

And Sue?! Always complaining about me to others and never wanting to talk to me. Even though I have given her the connection of son and mom ( foolishly it seems ) and even when I let her and James ... someone whom he claims is her 'bestie' ( whateverthefuck that means ), she still complains that we do not spend enough time.

Does she understand when we are not with her then we are running errands for her husband?! Does she understand that most nights I leave her at 9-9.30 and don't get back until like 5-6? And to what? Assholic kids ( siblings ) and adults ( parents ) who do not even know how to begin to understand?

Sadly enough the only one who seems to remotely get it is Nakoma ...

And not only that ... the proof of my life, with Jasmine and Xavier ... I miss my family. My family that no longer exists anymore. And yet ... I think about them constantly. Their ghost haunts me. Reminds me of what I have missed and what I no longer can have.

Is this hell? Did I succeed July 27th 2014?

Felicia left me and as much as that hurt, I found it a personal success that I am getting over it without incident. Especially with this crappy ass support system of people who doubt me and oppress me and put me down. They think I am better here?! Really?

Worst
Christmas
Ever

Being Quite about Josh's Lazy and Ungrateful Behavior

Josh has been living here since the beginning of the year. And it has always been something. Mom always complains about him but she sits with him and mindlessly watches TV with him and dad on a daily. There are times that dad will surpass him and all the way upstairs or break in the middle of my stream to ask me to do something. Like rotate the damn dogs ( I don't even like dogs ), or to take out the trash ( cuz the boys blow him off ) or to make him tea cuz he is too lazy to ask Josh to do it. Or maybe they have some sort of pact going. I don't know.

But mom would complain about him constantly. Say that he smells. Or that he doesn't do much of anything. Or that he feels entitled to certain things.

I tell her to talk to him about it but she won't because she knows she'll blow up at him.

I have been talking to Monica for a while and I have been telling her that she has to tell people how she feels. She fears conflict and I understand that. Conflict sucks and it is scary but for the chance for something better through communication, it is worth it.

But here is Josh, someone whom I have heard him talk about me behind my back ( he claims in jest ) and someone is feels he is entitled to watch tv shows and.get the Xbox or a room or a couch or anything like that, that pisses me off ... and yet I don't talk to him about how he talks down to me and Michael or how he feels that other people should work to make his life easier.

He wrecked my car, Alice, while I was in jail. He did! Yes, under the order of Lynn but regardless he should be held responsible. But I know I will never see that money. Especially on a waitress's paycheck. He has problems paying for clothes for freaking work ... or his fines.

And not only that, he wrecked mom's car too. The one day I couldn't drive him cuz James wanted to an old friend, Stephanie and her kid ( hated that weekend ). One of the parents were suppose to have picked him up but instead let him drive himself. The one night ( and one night alone ) he drove the family car, he wrecked it.

And now he sleeps on the couch in the living. Mom.complains that he bitches whenever something is too loud ... But it is a god damn living room. Life happens there. So the fact that he sleeps wheel into noon. So virtually no one can make much noise in the morning to get ready for much of anything.

And we were gonna put him in the attic since Bobby left and it was one thing after another. There wasn't tba bed up there. My mentioned that the boss's wife might have one but weeks and months past without.mom.calling and asking her if she had one we.could use. Then, since I got tired of not knowing and mom complaining about the smell josh was leaving behind in Nakoma's room since.he was staying there.momentarily, I took it upon myself to ask her and put the damn thing in the car myself and take it home.

He helped move it upstairs ... where we saw the mess that Bobby left up there after he moved. Trash everywhere. Broken computer components. Things he has taken from Nakoma and others in the house and claimed that he never saw. It was gross and disgusting.

I helped.clean it up and told Josh he was responsible for taking care of the clean-up of the room if he wanted it. That was sometime in the summer. For weeks, he wouldn't even phantom the idea of going up there. He claimed it's too hot. So I went to the auction and acquired a few fans. One being the perfect size for the attic window. Weeks continued to go. Still nothing. No action. And the day I brought it up to him, he raised his voice with me and copped an attitude about being tired and having to ask Mom or Dad about it even though I told him that I talked to them about it prior because they told me to talk to him about it.

Then days later flipped the story to make me sound like a crazy person when he thought I was not within ear shot.

But I got tired of sharing a room with Tyler ... well, Tyler's stuff since he now sleeps next door but leaves his stuff here. But I have no privacy. Stuff keeps missing and i wake up to CJ suddenly in my room, claiming to be looking for Tyler ( who he knows is mostly on the other side of the duplex  ... where CJ himself lives! ). Even dad just opens the door. At least mom and Nakoma ( and yes even Josh ) respects me enough to knock before entering.

So one day ( last week ) I got bored and annoyed and I cleaned the attic completely and.moved things around. And then I realized that I put more work into that room than anyone else did. Especially Josh.

But then mom and Josh started to complain that the insulation were bare and that it wouldn't be safe because Bobby supposedly got "scabies" from the exposed insulation. So last weekend, in used trash bags and wallpaper to cover up as much as I could.

I figures it would work out because with Josh on the couch mom feels comfortable having to tiptoe in her own house because Josh sleeps in the living room until noon and then takes over the TV ( her words ). I figured if I move upstairs then Josh can have the room Tyler no longer sleeps in with me.

Then mom and dad came up with Nakoma actually getting Tyler s room instead of Josh since Nakoma has more stuff ( sarcastic: and since she obviously deserves it ) and Josh can move into Nakoma's old room since he doesn't t have much.

But he has the balls to say that he feels comfortable on the couch and feels he doesn't need to move when dad asked him about it. He even said that moving before Nakoma's stuff was moved would be a waste of time. Then dad looks at me ( as if it is my responsibility ) and says that I gotta figure out how to move Tyler's, Nakoma's stuff and the crap in the room around.

This is ridiculous! Does Josh even deserve my loyalty? Anything I ever told him, he ran to Lynnanne and told her! Ever when she kicked me out of my room to make room for that bitch ( whose name I have forgotten out of anger ... no! It is Bridget! Her name is Bridget ... Da Bitch ) and then promised to give me the basement ... which is the usual bullshit lie that ended up with me moving into another room of Bobby's. He was silent then. He was silent when Lynnanne kicked me out for wanting to go to the Theory of a DeadMan's concert. She never stands for anything.

So why am I even dealing with this? Because of James and his fuck up! Because James never learned to leave well enough alone. But no one deserved to them what happened to me ... and no one deserves what happened to Josh with Lynnanne. So I am stuck to try to repay a debt to a man who probably doesn't even know ... which kills me.

This is bullshit. This is all bullshit. But it is my fault. It is my fault because I should communicate how much bullshit it is. I even fucking agree with it.

I hate this vessel and I hate the rampancy that is making me feel this way. Making me so these things. These leftover pieces of ... fuck if I know.

I hate it all.

And I am starting to hate them all too.

Unauthorized User

So lately, I've had Spencer in my ear about security on our devices. Mainly, the phone and computer. He had been worried that Nakoma has access to the computer that haired to have sensitive information on it. Not just dossiers and profiles of Peele were are involved with but also personal information to, from and on each of us personas. ( I know me personally still have pictures and videos of my wife and son on that computer and android )

But with Bobby gone off to Lancaster, I had less to worry about. Nakoma is going and only really wants to play games and listen to YouTube videos.

However, yesterday, Bobby came back. Some sort of check up after he had his teeth removed. I was concerned but figured I had time to fix the security protocols. Especially the Idol Protocols ( Protocol I, Spencer dubbed it ), being what happens when the computer is left inactive ( otherwise if the user is AFK ).

Last night, after my first Skype meeting with Doc, Spencer ran upstairs and was frantic. Saying one of "worthless neanderthals" were in the desktop downstairs. Coming down, I saw CJ in the computer, on my personal profile, playing a game. Bobby was in the other dude with Tyler. Conversation stopped when I was seen and they left. When CJ closed out his window, I saw our social media up. Skype, Facebook, folders, etc. Things I left up ...

Potentially, my private Skype session with my therapist was shared on my desktop downstairs ( or at the very least was noticed ). Conversations with assets, clients, friends and other family was also potentially accessed as well.

Would CJ access these things? Would he care? Would he use these things against us ( knowingly...or unknowingly )? And Bobby was close by. I still remember my rage when I found out he deleted a security protocol from my android in the guise of calling his girlfriend. I lost pictures of my son because of him.

I have no one to blame but myself. Spencer has been telling me to increase the security on our devices and information. Even if they will claim they wouldn't care what's on it, in dad's: Charles's words "if [ they ] wanted access to my stuff, I couldn't stop them", which doesn't settle well with Spencer about the sensitive and personal information we have accumulated over the past year.

Hell, had to reformat my phone and even with Recovery Protocols 3.4, enough information is still missing to be considered an annoyance.

Spencer is starting on a retaliation program to either act as a reactive protocol to digital privacy invasion from the family here or a break-in program to prove to Chuck that he isn't the only person with knowledge of computers.

I now have to up the security on our devices that hold and have access to sensitive and personal information. And this gives him not ammunition to petition U.S. relocation from the Myers.

Lately, his campaign to do so grits with each day and I'm losing footing to prove that they are still a viable resource.

I'm afraid that lately, the invasion of privacy, the inferiority attitude from the younger set of the Myer boys and Spencer's Slave Propaganda Campaign  isn't looking good in my favor. Relocation might be something that is going to happen whether I want it to or not.

Bobby the Thief

I swear sometimes I hate Bobby. He lies, he steals and he cheats. I would like to believe in dad's son when he treats me nice but Spencer refers to Bobby as the lazy theft of a snake of the TOW world. If he was any other nationality other than white, there would be a mudslide of racial slurs used to discribe him and his ways.

Why do I feel this way today?

Today, I went downstairs to look for a cooler for the groceries Mom and Dad are plan on getting today. The basement is also the place where I keep my surplus of stuff ( old movies i managed to keep and PS3 games in storage since I don't have a currently working PS3 ). I realized that a lot has been moved around in the basement. Especially the stuff surrounding my boxes that I stored away.

I do not remember moving them and I doubt that Michael would have moved them because he would have moved them into our room or the attic. And I would have noticed that move.

That and it wasn't like the whole box was taken. it just seems like it is light. Like it was moved through and things were taken from it.

Why do I think that it was Bobby? Because Bobby has done such things in the past. he has a tendency to do as he wants and deal with the aftermath later. That he picked up from Dad. Dad has said "that it is better to ask for forgiveness than for permission". But honestly, Bobby is just a dick that does whatever he wants, when he wants, how he wants. And there has been a few times that I have wanted to pound the shit out of Bobby ( and Cj too sometimes ) because they just have this selfish, worthless view of the world and their lives! It is more like they are parasites ... or leeches ( Spencer's words ).

And they might win the fight ... but I wouldn't stay down. I couldn't. I never have really. I don't stop from broken skins and bones. My spirit wouldn't allow myself to stay down. And that is what I got over them. Once the fight started ... out of pride, out of obligation, out of status ... I wouldn't allow myself to stay down. They would have to take me out. And a guy like me would be ok going out in battle. And it has been a while.

But I shouldn't be thinking of that as an option. That shouldn't even be a concern right now. But it is. Even when Bobby has been gone for over 2 weeks now in his new location in Lancaster.

It is annoying. I am starting to regret deciding to remain in this household more and more each day.