Running Trend ...

Alright, this is another girl post. I suppose that it is women that tend to bother me enough to post about.

Well, anyways, Candi hasn't sent anything or replied to my messages in over 2 weeks. I would have been mad if it hasn't been like 5 no shows ( i have yet to see her ) and scarce phone calls ( 1-2 total ) and limited text messages in the 4-5 months of our psudeo relationship. The last time we talked was probably the end of last month, and I stopped trying to be excited or hopeful about seeing her. I was waiting to be surprised but more of the same continued so I continued on doing me.

In between, I haven't really been trying to find anyone in particular but I did try to maintain friendships and what not ( like in The Sims ). Not exactly flirting but still making advances where it seemed to fit.

Most of the women I mentioned in my New Year Resolution post I have taken a big step from. Ignoring messages and forgetting phone numbers. But, loneliness sets in sometimes.

It did for Jen. We started talking again. Like daily. It bothered me that she was still married and everything because of how closely related it was too my own relationship with my wife but it was different enough from her point of view. She says that it was him who stopped caring and who was pushing her away and making her life miserable.

I believed I wanted to rescue her from an uncaring environment and give her something more. Give myself something more. The ideas that a monster like me could be loved.

I admit, I started trying after the night where I opened up to her. I started to hope.

We made plans to hang out for Valentine's Weekend. However, last minute she got 'sick' ( even though she went back to work that weekend after calling off ) and we changed our plans.  Rather than dinner and movie stuff that we were going to do, we would just get a hotel room for two weekends after. Just us, talking, learning, being together ... testing out the waters.

Well, last weekend, she just disappeared. Stopped texting, no calls, even her Facebook was gone ! I figured something was done wrong or she found out something about me that drove her away. At first, I tried to ignore the pain of rejection and started to just go back to the grind. Worked twice as hard on house work and my "internship".

Several days and a breakdown later she messages me out of the blue. No intro and no real detailed explanation. Just that she had a breakdown cuz her husband stated to realize that he was going to be an ex-husband and he made everything harder on her.

Memory guilt slides the mental knife deeper into my soul ... but what would it matter if I am finally loved at the end, right?

I confront her about her talking to me if she really cared. If she was going through something, she didn't have to go along with it alone. I wanted to be there for her but that I wasn't going to have a repeat of Candi. I simply wasn't. She said that she would try harder to be better for both of us.

I told her that I'd see her in a few days since I'd be in the area and I'd pick her up for work. So I did. We talked a little but I could tell that something was not right. She seemed scared and distracted and just distant. I tried to tell her that I wanted to help. She was physically fine but emotional and mental abuse was a possibility ... Jasmine claimed I did the same thing but I never did. I always raised her up. Always tried to support her. Maybe she said it to others to gain people on her side.

Anyways, I tired to convince her that I was on her side. Wanted to be involved in what was going on. She said she wanted to run away and I told her that we would. I didn't want to be in this area. The memories killed me here and she agreed she had memories to run from too. We started to connect but she had to go to work.

I tried to hold her hand, hug her, kiss her ... but she wasn't "feeling" it. So I dropped her off and went on with my job of that day.

Came back to check up on her later and her demeanor completely changed. She was happier. Actually smiling which was not what she was doing before at all. I wanted to hug her in congratulating her change of mood but she was actually working with customers and gfs station related things. I tried waiting because ... well, I just wanted to have a few moments. Take a picture or something but people kept coming in and I had no idea if any particular person would tell her husband and cause her more trouble so I just got gas and left. She bought me two packs of smokes though. 

We talked for a days but once again, she has stopped replying to my text and messages. This weekend was suppose to be the Hotel Weekend. But I can't do this? Well, not this way.

I'd help if she asked. I'd stay if she showed she wanted me to. But without knowing, without the communication, I could be wasting my time and lately the committee has been on my case about T.O.W. people wasting our time and resources.

So last night, I sent her a text. A text that said that I cared tremendously but I was not going to have a repeat of Candi  ( or Jasmine for that matter ). If she cared then she'll make the effort but I'm not going be the only one trying. I'm not gonna be a side dude to someone I want to make my main focus. So I told her to take care of herself.

If she wants me she'll find me and make the effort. She'll come back.

But my breath is too valuable to me to waste on holding it. That I've at least learned

Revisiting the Haunted House

James suggested that I find someone like what Kayla was for a while. Someone to help release "stress". Normally, I would just work out out something in my own room but I don't have a room. I jump from bed to bed at home.

Luckily, James knew the best candidate. An old ex girlfriend who we constantly fight with but after our fights the make up sex made it ... tolerable. Until it didn't.

Her name is Jen G ( different Jen from Jen D ). She is living with an ex boy friend of James' old friend. However James's friend went back to jail for attempting suicide because he did not pay his fines and his boyfriend simply moved on to dude after dude after dude.

Anyways Jen G and I have been making this a semi regular stress reliever kinda thing. The first time I went to her place though I noticed writing on the wall. It was the name of an ex my brother Danny used to see. A Britt A. G. It was all over Jen's room and she hated it. She couldn't wait until she got the paint to paint over it. I thought it must be torturous with what the name meant because after our first try at a relationship, it was Britt that caused the initial rift.

But I had to admit that it helped. The stress reliever I mean. The work out.

But the name on the walls and in the closest ... something about it ...

Then it hit me. When I first got with Jasmine, she mentioned that she had an apartment with two people in our database, Elizabeth G. ... and her cousin Britt A. G..

So the house I was relieving stress at ... my wife was in. She did stuff here. Lived here. Slept there. Loved there. Partied here.

A life before she even met me.

So the last time I "worked out" with Jen G, I asked if there was any other names in the house. She showed me into the spare room. I asked what was the name.

She whimper Jasmine. She knew about it already. Keeping it from me, of course. She lived in a house with ghosts of people who meant more to me. Just have been torturous for her. A fitting hell for me.

I asked her where Jasmine's name was in this room. She said it was in the closet behind a bed.

And almost without thinking, almost effortlessly, I flip the bed away to open a closet full of boxes and worthless crap that meant nothing to me. I looked around in the dark closet to see her name. I fumbled my cell phone to produce light into the dark tomb that contained evidence of my wife.

Then I realized that I needed to take out the crap and boxes to see the walls. So I started to take boxes out ... and then throw boxes out of the closet. One after another. I heard screaming but I didn't care. I was tranced, focused, determined to find her name. Her signature. Her ... essence in the past. I just wanted her back in some way. Something that .... idk, proved she wasn't evil.

That the woman I loved more than myself existed. That ... I want tricked, maybe? That I ruined her. That I made her the horrible person who would throw her husband in jail and take away his son and his life and EVERYTHING!

And then I heard crying behind me. I turned to Jen G crying infront of a box I must have thrown. Glass as everywhere around the box from the box.

I slowly stood up to see that I trashed the room. Boxes everywhere and some of the stuff inside was all over the place. I turned back to the closet and realized I would have to do a lot more throwing to get you where I'm sure Jasmine wrote her name.

I stood there. Knowing that I kind of snapped, knowing that I must have been scaring Jen G. Hell, I was kinda scaring myself. But I wanted to know. I wanted to see. Right then, I just wanted her anyway I could still have my beautifully innocent wife.

I felt tears coming. The desperation ... how sad and pathetic it was was creeping up on me. I started to feel it and I didn't want anyone else to see it. The tears. The tears that I destroyed my life and everyone around it.

So I left. I got into the car I borrowed for the night and the phone played Lorde - Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat. Not her life song or our song but her 'I'm leaving you' song. The song that kills me everyone I hear it. I tried to make myself immune to it but it did not work. At least not this time.

Driving home, driving over 100 mph was a minimum. I wanted to drive fast. Drive away from the memories ... our maybe I was going to hit a pebble. But I'm too good a driver for that. Way too good a driver. But I pushed that damn Subaru to its fucking limit! And it was semi-Manuel so it pushed me. Took my head away from where my heart wanted it to be.

I know others night have thought it stupid, especially with the fact my sister LaFall died in a car crash. And honestly, I can't say that I didn't want to die either right then. But I didn't. So I still have work here to do obviously.

Obviously some work

Dealing with the Monster called Nicolas

So, yesterday, I realized I didn't want to be home so I managed to get access to the car. I was going to hang out with Jen G but … half way there, she texted that her roommate Doug D had a problem with all the guests she had coming in and out of the place ( I think ). Regardless, I felt it was too much drama. Too much … of a mess to want to even deal with and very little reward to come out of it.

So I messaged Jenn D. Now Jenn D … well, she is someone who I was acquainted with a few years back. Before Jasmine but after coming back from Retreat. Never thought she would be interested in me only because ( I admit sadly ) I believed that she wanted a country guy because she was a country girl.

Well, we started talking again and she told me she has always been into me. Sadly that was around the same time I was trying to get with Candi and I didn't want to try to see one girl and have a girl on the side. But I did want to keep her as a friend. She seemed genuine and I needed more of that around me. So we kept close.

But then Candi's constant lack of conviction and effort made me lean away from her and try to talk to Jenn. But then even Jenn decided to step away from me so I focused more on me for a while and less on everyone else. With Candi it was easy because she never bothered to see me and didn't really message me unless I messaged her first.

Well, today, I just realized that I wanted to talk to someone new. Someone outside from my norm and I wanted to see if she would go for it. And she did and we went to grab something to eat at McDonalds/ I tried paying but I soon found out that the card Dad returned to me was my old card that was deactivated. Jenn was nice enough to cover for me and try to get me to not … 'overact'. She was trying to calm me down.

Then we started talking and the talk got deep. She talked about what she heard about me and wanted to hear things from my side. I asked her what she heard and she told me she heard from Jasmine's aunt, Audrey that I was a monster. Even used the word devil.

I realized that no matter how much I try to hide who I am, that will always show through. No matter what good deeds I attempt to accomplish or what I have done, the monster in me that I was raised to be will show.

While contiplating whether I should just jump out the car and leave or return the company car and disappear, Jenn told me to look at her and I did. And she kissed me. Actually kissed me. And I didn't have flash backs of Jasmine or how horrible I was. All of that washed away and I just wanted … to prove that I was a Good Beast. That I deserved to live.

And I returned the kiss. Hard. Desperate. Determined. I remembered the conversations Jenn and I had and I remembered … the potential of what I could offer.

And when the kiss was over, I realized that I was back in the company car, stopped in the middle of the road, a little dazed actually now that I remember it.

I drove us to the park and we sat and I talked. I told her about Jasmine and MY brothers and my world and the life I had before even coming here. And she sat and she listened as I went on and on and on and everything came out. The suicide around me and my suicide attempts, MY brothers and their roles, what Jasmine meant to me and what happened up to The Incident. Everything I could. And when I realized I gave her a little too much, I looked at her and she just reached for my hand and held it. Told me she was there for me.

Then we went into her life and she opened up. Opened up about her dad and his problems and how he should have stopped what happened to her. I won't repeat her story because … well, it is her story but it was rough. Something I am sure that James could relate to.

After her story, I embraced her and we kissed again. And then we joked around about how I didn't think I was a good kisser. She said that she was willing to teach me how to do it better but she wanted have one more test go so I gave it everything I got. I even used some of James' old tips that he gave me a few years back. When it was over, she just looked at me … and then she just busted up with giggles and this big ass smile.

I think I passed.

We just sat and talked for a while and then I mentioned that I should get her home. We were out for like 3hours! Her ( soon to be ex ) husband and son were home probably worried. She said that her son was in good hands and that 'to hell' with her husband. I told her that she still should get home and then she had this extremely sad face.

Then I suggested we drive to Wal-Mart. She needed a new job anyways. So we went and she applied and we talked and joked while she filed out an application right there. I got a few pictures and I realized that my hair … it was too much James, too much Spencer. And I didn't want to share. I know, I know, it was kind of what I was thinking when I was with Jasmine but … I didn't want this relationship to be a mess like that one. I kept too many secrets. I compromised too much. No, I have to learn to that if I want something I have to stand by it!

After that, I was about to drive her home when she said that she wanted to meet my parents ( Chuck and Sue ). I looked at her. I knew. She didn't want to go home. I knew then that I would have to see her tomorrow. Just to be safe. Not hang out but just see if she was hurt or damaged or anything.

Anyways, I called and got the green light to bring her home to meet them. We talked and chit-chatted on the way there and I think I was trying to calm and prep myself down as well as prep and calm her down about meeting my family.

And the short version is that mom and dad loved her! She went toe to toe with Dad and his … playful dick-headedness and mom and her understood each other for being bother hard working women and all that. Even shared horror stories of jobs not being able to pa their employees on time.

Josh worked with Jenn before ( which I totally forgot ) so for them it was like seeing an good old friend. Honestly, it turned out really well, all things considered.

The drink home was a little sobering. I knew that she was going back to her husband and she asked me to explain to him where she was and how long she was gone. We worked on our cover stories ( like my days of old in Haven ) and when we got there, we executed it. He was a disappointment from the first sight. I doubt a heads up would have made much of a difference. He looked like a slob. And he was oddly shaped. He must have been way more impressive

She was kind of shaky, which was understandable. I got to leave. She had to stay. It meant far more to her than it ever could to me really. We had to be careful. I was polite and nice. Not overbearing and believable. He seemed like he was understanding and nice about it. Shook my hand and used nice words to both me and her. When I shook his hand, I gave him the handshake I learned to give from the military. The one where you show you are stronger. I was. He knew. I smiled at him and I left giving Jenn and hug and a kiss on her neck to let me know if anything happens and that I'd be here like lightning.

The next day, I was coming back from sleeping at Tyra and Tammy's place and drive into the gas station she worked at. Half the pumps didn't work and the pump that did only allowed one time of gas. The ATM inside didn't work and it looked under supplied. No wonder she never got her paychecks on time. But she looked fine. No bruises and no extra make up or anything. But I could tell that she looked exhausted. She told me that they argued throughout the night on how she brought 'someone like me' to their house.

I instantly thought on how dad claimed to have all these people who would fight or him and protect him because he was some big deal. But I never did. Not even Jackie and Tye did that for me because they respected that I had to fight my own battles and wars. Mostly so my head would blow up ( like most tends to ). But it would have been nice to call up Bobby and CJ and Tyler to come and beat some sense into this guy's head. To pull a 'Fight Club' on him. To tell him to make things end with Jenn to her complete benefit.

But I knew I couldn't … I wouldn't. Not their problem. Hell, it wasn't even mine. It was Jenn's. I had to do what Jackie and Tye do for me. Let me fight my battles. But I told her that I was here if anything happened. And I left with a hug and premium gas.

I worry now, but I also have hope. I have a few things to do. I have to end it with Candi … if she ever really allows there to be a conversation between us. And I do believe I am going to end it with her. I am not used to this but honestly, it is something that has to happen. I really liked Candi, or at least the idea of Candi. She is nice and sweet and smart and determined … but she wasn't determined with me or even with us. And I need someone who is … better than that. Someone who makes that effort. Talks and … well, someone who wants to be known.

Things are not okay with Kay

Katelyn ( Kay ) and I had an argument last year. We started arguing about something related to how I treated our friendship. She mentioned something that lead to her saying all I talked to her about was other girls.

When she said that, I was hurt until I went back in our conversations and realized it was true. I did talk a lot about other girls. Not like James talk but about the failed attempts at a friend's/relationship stuff.

I was/am trying to get over Jasmine. Maybe it was how I was trying to not feel like a complete failure and Kay has always been my voice of reason. The grounded voice that told me what I needed to hear. She didn't let me get away with shit but she did it in a way that didn't make me want to smash things. She was my platonic soulmate ( we joked ).

And then/now, I needed guidance. More than just good advice.

And she was yelling at me for trying to move on from Jasmine and telling her about it. I got mad. I slammed in my desk and then tried to calm myself. I looked back and saw that I did talk about other things and I tried to talk to her do many times and she just ... never got back to me.

I told her that I tried to talk to her about other things. My blog ( which I have on my Facebook bio but no one notices luckily ) and my Second Chance Review page and video games and such. Especially Jasmine. I even pointed that I know about what is going on in her life and I comment and like her life events because since I can't be where she is ( she lives in Michigan ). She says she doesn't really even check other people's stuff on Facebook.

We went back and forth until she said she got it out if her system and she was okay. I didn't want to argue anymore and I didn't want to lose my ( platonic ) soulmate so I dropped it too.

Since then, I made a New Year Resolution based upon what we argued about ( worry less about other women and more about me ) and I made her more of an active part of SCR. she became my editor. She didn't like my writers though because she thought they ... were horrible writers.

And that was okay with me. She was so much better at writing than most people I knew. She had multiple fanfics with a big fan base so she had to be good at catching what I miss grammar wise and maybe help fix it towards the direction I wanted it to go.

But she, like, reviewed like two and I've had to kind of go over the rest in a mad dash before the 3pm deadline on Friday. Well either today or yesterday I mentioned that I needed a review and she was on top of it with a review of the Darkest of Days. I was so happy.

And with the new direction I want to take with SCR I wanted her to post it on the Facebook page and group of SCR and suddenly she had no time and she seemed annoyed.

I don't know what I do that asks people do much but if my ( platonic ) soulmate is asked with me ... maybe I'm doing life wrong

He said, She didn't

So yesterday, I was home with mom, waiting for my Life Manager to come in for her appointment. The boys sluggishly got themselves to school and Tink was her usual cranky self but Mom got her to school on time. Dad and Mom were having their usual back and forth. Dad teasing too much and Mom … well, she wasn't in the best of moods for it. Dad likes pushing Mom though and she laughs about it so I shouldn't be worried, right?

Well, after he left, James and her talked a little. Shared some point of views while I was bringing clothes downstairs from the upper rooms. We threw some clothes into the wash and took care of some of the dishes before I dragged James upstairs to watch me do some simulation training. It didn't take long for Mom to come upstairs to use the bathroom. When she got out, James couldn't wait to resume girl talk. I tried to go back to the simulation. I needed a release as of late and this was my best way of getting it.

But I did keep one ear open. Mostly, Mom talking about how Dad plans on using her money. This, that and the third. Dad is making plans on what to use the money for and Mom doesn't feel that he is going through it with her. She feels that he is just gonna use it and she just gonna be okay with it. I cut myself in and asked her “Have you tried talking to him about it?” She replied that she has but he shushes her up saying, “Do we have to talk about this right now?” No matter what time it is. I then asked, “Do you push the issue?” where she replied that she has simply given up at this point. I returned to my exercise. Lose cause if she isn't willing to fight for what is hers.

But James is all sympathetic. Trying to sound like he cared about her but whenever I looked at him I knew what he was staring at. Jeez, constantly calling her “Mom” constantly isn't working as much as I would like.

But she started going off about how he promised Bobby and myself a car. And then she started talking about how Dad wanted to use some of her money to help re-launch Dad's online business and that he is gonna repay this person and that person with her money. Then she started saying that Dad was going to repay the boys for him using their survival benefits to pay for rent. I zoned out and focused on my performance. I hated getting a low score. I needed to achieve something to feel like I was still keeping my skills some what sharp.

Then she started saying that she didn't understand why she had to re-pay people for living here. Spencer happened to walk by and I noticed he stopped. He tapped my shoulder and I paused my simulation.

“Wait a minute here,” I started, “You mean paying for the rent here?” She said yea.

I kind of understood. When I was moved in, dad said that he would repay the money I put into the family. I was gonna factor out 300$ and consider that rent even though I don't have my own room. And I rarely ever use anything that isn't already offered to me. And if I do want/need to use something ( such as the SUV ) I try to make sure I have the money to cover for the gas ( not maintenance because that argument is ridiculous in my opinion ).

I sat up to listen better and even Spencer got closer as he removed his glasses. That is “more serious” maneuver.

She continued saying that that arrangement between Dad and I was never discussed with her at all. I asked her that since they were married wouldn't/shouldn't they have discussed and agreed on it. She said no.

Spencer shook his head and replaced his glasses. “I knew these T.O.W. People were not worth the trouble.” And with that, he walked back downstairs to work on his terminal.

And then she started to say that she shouldn't pay for me to get a new car because she didn't wreck it. Matter of fact, she was against anyone else driving it other than me and her. Since Josh wrecked it, then Josh should pay for it.

I just shook my head and let James continue talking to her while I went back to my simulation. I needed to beat the crap out of something.

Next, I need to figure out an exit strategy ...