We'd Leave the Greater to Suffer for the Few

Sue is starting to actually have dreams of LaFall alive rather than dead like that night of the car wreck in August 2012. She said that she had a dream last night where everyone was on some sort of vacation and they kept changing the rooms on her after everyone got settled. After the 5th move, she got frustrated and asked why they kept moving us. They ( or Chuck ) told her that there was something in the rooms and if she stayed there for too long then she would want to stay.

So Sue, in the dream, got everyone preoccupied and started to snoop around in the room and found a closest in which she and her kids had whenever they were younger. They would use to hid in the closest when they were younger .... and Sue thoughts she heard something in this closet that magically appear.

She opens the door and LaFall jumps up. Then she asks Sue to not leave her. Then Chuck comes in and starts to pull her away from this LaFall.

Sue told me this dream she had last night ... and she told me she would leave all of us to stay with her.

Chuck and Sue translate all of that into Sue not forgiving herself for the death of LaFall. I see it that Sue is one more step closer to seeing that death is the ultimate choice to be with LaFall.

I want to be made that she would leave all of us in a heartbeat for LaFall. 6-7 ( 3 hers and 3-4 dad's depending on if she can tolerate Lynnanne or not that day )s children. 1 Husband. Friends and Family. House. Home. Better life. But obviously all of that means nothing without LaFall.

But I cannot be that angry. I would slaughter all of them if I knew I could rewind time and get my family back. If I could get back Jasmine and Xavier. When we were a good family.

Because the 'alive dream' that Sue just got, I have had ever since July 27th of 2014. Every night ... save a few.

I hope some angel or demon never comes to both me and Sue with the same offer of sacrifice to get what we truly desire. We share that pain and hurt and carry it with us every day ... but it isn't the same ... and she'll never notice.

She barely notices the change now.

I am the NoBody that gets Blamed for Everything

I hate living with people. Why? Because of my morale and personal ethic, I do a lot. I see something needs to be done, I tend to do it unless someone else can do it better or I am busy with something else.

However, in this household, Dad ( Chuck ) finds it comical to say that random things are my fault. He finds it funny. But it is funny at my expense. Hence why I find it annoying ... and another reason I hate living with people.

1 other person, very doable, especially when I pick them through a list of candidates. But not a bunch of people with so many different personalities, needs, wants and agendas.

So it is annoying that when something is done wrong and I am involved, not to hate the idea that I am involved in situation that I originally had nothing to do with. Some of that is my fault. The ones I volunteer myself for, completely my fault. The ones that I am recruited to handle, I get pissed when it is only given to me because no one else wants the responsibility. And that includes the person that it is centered around.

Case in point, Josh had work today. Dad asked me about his work schedule. Honestly, I couldn't remember cleanly ( or quickly enough for dad ) to be confident about his answer. Also, since I was in the middle of something else, I am sure that he would have wanted me to go to Josh ( who sleeps until his clock in time ) and ask him, which I hate doing because Josh in the morning makes me want to throw him into the Pit.

Well, luckily for me today, Dad went to ask him and found out that there was a conflict in the schedule. So he recruited me to find Josh a ride ... to his work ... which is about 8 - 10 blocks away. But I went through the assets I have but I do not have any last minute assets set up. Most I ask a few days a head of time. So most of them were either at work already or to have them drive all the way here just to drive Josh 8 - 10 blocks ( and no gas money mind you ) would not only be foolish but also a waste of time.

I ended up asking CJ to find someone. He said that Brandon's friend could do it but we didn't know that until dad had to drive back and pick up Josh for work. CJ even came back to drop off Sadie's fucking dog but couldn't send a text message or leave a note about Brandon being able to do the 10 block drive.

Yet, I get grilled and hassled about knowing and not knowing and getting information wrong and shit. Oh gawd, when they talk like that in front of me ( or even behind my back and I overheard ) I swear I'd burn them all alive if Protocol S wasn't in place.

I am just getting tired of dealing with people ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I hate even more that I have to deal with other people's bullshit and crap.

And Mom ( Sue ) always asks me why I want to move out?!

I barely own the area I sleep in. And it is annoying. Simon says that they are gonna want everything that they ever gave me back. Saying that they only let me use it. But honestly, I am getting to the point where that will be ok with me.Very few things are keeping me here.

Like L ... and the promise I made to her after what happened.
And Nakoma ... damn imprint

Being Quite about Josh's Lazy and Ungrateful Behavior

Josh has been living here since the beginning of the year. And it has always been something. Mom always complains about him but she sits with him and mindlessly watches TV with him and dad on a daily. There are times that dad will surpass him and all the way upstairs or break in the middle of my stream to ask me to do something. Like rotate the damn dogs ( I don't even like dogs ), or to take out the trash ( cuz the boys blow him off ) or to make him tea cuz he is too lazy to ask Josh to do it. Or maybe they have some sort of pact going. I don't know.

But mom would complain about him constantly. Say that he smells. Or that he doesn't do much of anything. Or that he feels entitled to certain things.

I tell her to talk to him about it but she won't because she knows she'll blow up at him.

I have been talking to Monica for a while and I have been telling her that she has to tell people how she feels. She fears conflict and I understand that. Conflict sucks and it is scary but for the chance for something better through communication, it is worth it.

But here is Josh, someone whom I have heard him talk about me behind my back ( he claims in jest ) and someone is feels he is entitled to watch tv shows and.get the Xbox or a room or a couch or anything like that, that pisses me off ... and yet I don't talk to him about how he talks down to me and Michael or how he feels that other people should work to make his life easier.

He wrecked my car, Alice, while I was in jail. He did! Yes, under the order of Lynn but regardless he should be held responsible. But I know I will never see that money. Especially on a waitress's paycheck. He has problems paying for clothes for freaking work ... or his fines.

And not only that, he wrecked mom's car too. The one day I couldn't drive him cuz James wanted to an old friend, Stephanie and her kid ( hated that weekend ). One of the parents were suppose to have picked him up but instead let him drive himself. The one night ( and one night alone ) he drove the family car, he wrecked it.

And now he sleeps on the couch in the living. Mom.complains that he bitches whenever something is too loud ... But it is a god damn living room. Life happens there. So the fact that he sleeps wheel into noon. So virtually no one can make much noise in the morning to get ready for much of anything.

And we were gonna put him in the attic since Bobby left and it was one thing after another. There wasn't tba bed up there. My mentioned that the boss's wife might have one but weeks and months past without.mom.calling and asking her if she had one we.could use. Then, since I got tired of not knowing and mom complaining about the smell josh was leaving behind in Nakoma's room since.he was staying there.momentarily, I took it upon myself to ask her and put the damn thing in the car myself and take it home.

He helped move it upstairs ... where we saw the mess that Bobby left up there after he moved. Trash everywhere. Broken computer components. Things he has taken from Nakoma and others in the house and claimed that he never saw. It was gross and disgusting.

I helped.clean it up and told Josh he was responsible for taking care of the clean-up of the room if he wanted it. That was sometime in the summer. For weeks, he wouldn't even phantom the idea of going up there. He claimed it's too hot. So I went to the auction and acquired a few fans. One being the perfect size for the attic window. Weeks continued to go. Still nothing. No action. And the day I brought it up to him, he raised his voice with me and copped an attitude about being tired and having to ask Mom or Dad about it even though I told him that I talked to them about it prior because they told me to talk to him about it.

Then days later flipped the story to make me sound like a crazy person when he thought I was not within ear shot.

But I got tired of sharing a room with Tyler ... well, Tyler's stuff since he now sleeps next door but leaves his stuff here. But I have no privacy. Stuff keeps missing and i wake up to CJ suddenly in my room, claiming to be looking for Tyler ( who he knows is mostly on the other side of the duplex  ... where CJ himself lives! ). Even dad just opens the door. At least mom and Nakoma ( and yes even Josh ) respects me enough to knock before entering.

So one day ( last week ) I got bored and annoyed and I cleaned the attic completely and.moved things around. And then I realized that I put more work into that room than anyone else did. Especially Josh.

But then mom and Josh started to complain that the insulation were bare and that it wouldn't be safe because Bobby supposedly got "scabies" from the exposed insulation. So last weekend, in used trash bags and wallpaper to cover up as much as I could.

I figures it would work out because with Josh on the couch mom feels comfortable having to tiptoe in her own house because Josh sleeps in the living room until noon and then takes over the TV ( her words ). I figured if I move upstairs then Josh can have the room Tyler no longer sleeps in with me.

Then mom and dad came up with Nakoma actually getting Tyler s room instead of Josh since Nakoma has more stuff ( sarcastic: and since she obviously deserves it ) and Josh can move into Nakoma's old room since he doesn't t have much.

But he has the balls to say that he feels comfortable on the couch and feels he doesn't need to move when dad asked him about it. He even said that moving before Nakoma's stuff was moved would be a waste of time. Then dad looks at me ( as if it is my responsibility ) and says that I gotta figure out how to move Tyler's, Nakoma's stuff and the crap in the room around.

This is ridiculous! Does Josh even deserve my loyalty? Anything I ever told him, he ran to Lynnanne and told her! Ever when she kicked me out of my room to make room for that bitch ( whose name I have forgotten out of anger ... no! It is Bridget! Her name is Bridget ... Da Bitch ) and then promised to give me the basement ... which is the usual bullshit lie that ended up with me moving into another room of Bobby's. He was silent then. He was silent when Lynnanne kicked me out for wanting to go to the Theory of a DeadMan's concert. She never stands for anything.

So why am I even dealing with this? Because of James and his fuck up! Because James never learned to leave well enough alone. But no one deserved to them what happened to me ... and no one deserves what happened to Josh with Lynnanne. So I am stuck to try to repay a debt to a man who probably doesn't even know ... which kills me.

This is bullshit. This is all bullshit. But it is my fault. It is my fault because I should communicate how much bullshit it is. I even fucking agree with it.

I hate this vessel and I hate the rampancy that is making me feel this way. Making me so these things. These leftover pieces of ... fuck if I know.

I hate it all.

And I am starting to hate them all too.

Just do it MYSELF

Do yesterday, I was extremely frustrated. Partially from not having cigarettes, partially from Harley doing what she always seems to do, partially from not having time for my own thing because I'm doing mom and dad's thing. Not one thing but many.

And dad wanted me to drive up to Nan s place because he wanted to see a relative that he hasn't seen in a while. I was annoyed and tired and frustrated. But he kept bitching do I went with him but he drove.

On the way, he started his spew on how he doesn't believe that I would be able to get my son back unless I am with then. Saying that this society and world's mindset isn't in my favor. A black Nan with a history of violence and mental health issue will not have much of a way time trying to get him son back. But that being in this family, they will see that I have a support system.

I tried to echoes how I didn't think that mattered because of the good work I've done so far. The agencies that work with me and the progress I've been making since I've been out should be plenty to show that I'm on the right path of progress.

Then he pulled out "and where did you do all this progress at? Our house." Catch 22. Stuck from all directions.

And the conversation was frustrating to say the least. Especially with him saying "we need to speak reality and not fantasy", referring to my life, my world, my thoughts and opinion as fantasy, was pissing me off extremely.

Honestly, what I got from that conversation is that I'm relying too much on this family. It is starting to sound like what Spencer was thinking about when it came to the Lost Original's situation and family. That they wanted to use him for some reason. That he couldn't escape. Not until MAD gave him the escape he needed from this world ... and ours.

I cannot let that happen to me. If I leave, it'll be by my terms. If I fail, it will be by my terms. Fantasy or not! I rather repeat the process a million times and eventually succeed in my terms rather than easily succeed due to someone else.

I don't want to put do much reliance on other TOW people. That is what happened when it came to Jasmine. And I was so dependant that when I finally lost her, I lost it.

I have to set a date to leave. With or without their blessing.

Enough people hate me in this world. And if this family hates me for wanting to advance in my own life ... then so be it.

New Over Old

It has been a very long while since I have updated on this thing. Not because I haven't wanted to because I do a lot. Just not so much time. With being with this adopted family, a few things comes with it that are both benefits and set backs.

Since 'dad' works for Magnum Broadcasting ( radio station that has 6 stations under this one title ). Dad works on all of them but mainly the one near us ( Real Country 1260 ) and the one in State College ( QWIK Rock 105.7 ). Him and the boss of the company are like best friends. They talk about personal stuff and they rely on each other heavily. It is great to see great friends work together.

Luckily, dad seems to have a lot on his plate and I have a lot to try to get rid of in my head and since self harm isn't a practice looked favorably here, working myself to exhaustion ( pass or fail, success or complete fuck-up ). I work myself so hard because when I do I don't think of Jasmine or my son.

However, Spencer says that they take advantage of that. That they rely on me so much that if I am to leave then that this family would fail. And since he is in the committee, he does plan on U.S. leaving this family. he says we have things to do.

And I agree but ... I don't know. I get angry at them a lot and they disappoint me often but that is understandable, according to M.A.D. He says that people ( especially T.O.W. people ) are not perfect and most then to settle in that ideal and stay there rather than accept it as a possible outcome for trying.

But I do tend to do a lot. A few weeks ago, Dad needed my help with a Man Expo ( an Expo for everything masculine country ) and I was running around the place! Trying not to stay in one place too long or else James would get all chit chatty or flirty or too friendly. I ran from place to place to move things and check if anyone needed help or direction. Igor ( Uncle Larry and Auntie Shelly's new adopted kid from the Ukraine ) was extremely useful. I feel that he has had the same background that I had but came out better, granted a little more damaged than most would like to see.

But I worked myself so hard. And even though I worked myself to exhaustion within the 1st hour ( to the point where everyone who I went to look for something to do, just annoyingly politely sent me away ), that I injured myself. Spencer says that it was a Charlie Horse from physically quickly turning from one task to another that my thighs decided that it was enough. He claimed that it should go away but after laying in the kitchen on the floor waiting for it to go away ( keep in mind that many people came around and saw me on the ground and did nothing ), I got annoyed doing nothing and just waiting. So I crawled to a counter and grabbed a fork and stabbed myself on the opposite side of the thigh.

Now, you should be asking why and that is understandable if you didn't know my upbringing. When I was with Seth, he was always kind of a dick and hard ass about training but there was this one time where I realized how ... 'intense' he was/is.

I was tired of running for morning routine to which I can relate to military PT in T.O.W. and I told Seth that I was tired of running. He then 'hurt' my legs and asked which was more painful? The old pain or the new pain? I replied the new one. Then he asked if I felt the old pain. I said, no. Then he made me finish morning routine or else he would keep giving me new pain that would make me forget about the previous old pain.

I guess, I took from that, if you give yourself new pain, you would forget the old pain. I think I do that with the work ( work - new pain, Jasmine - old pain ). And this situation, since I knew I had to keep going or else me laying on the ground in pain would eventually allow my heart ( or whatever ) to think of Jasmine. I had to avoid that. So I did.

I finished the tasks I had to do, limping the rest of the day but pushing myself to make myself finish the task infront of me.

Dad found out. He hasn't asked me to go to any other event since then. I still do stuff at home though. I still find stuff to do, break or fix, success or fail, good or bad. Anything to .. not to experience the pain of losing Jasmine.

It Isn't Being 'ButtHurt'. It Is About Respect and Appreciation

Today, is the day that Saving Abel ( and Kira, Smile Empty Soul and Veer Union ) comes to the After Dark to perform a concert. I vaguely remember seeing Saving Abel before when Heather still had me under her spell. But then again, I could be confused. Thinking back to that time, a lot of things happened that I am not sure of.

Anyways, Dad needed help, as usual, and volunteered me into going, even though I have mentioned that I didn't want to go because the After Dark is in Clearfield and I no longer have any love for anything in Clearfield ( mainly because there is no love for me in Clearfield ). But he kept insisting he needed me and the boys to help.

So after working with Michael yesterday in Renovo, with CJ and his friend Logan, working a 4 way relay communication plan from the top of the mountain to the bottom that took us all day, Michael gave CJ a check for 100$ to split!

He was talking as if he and Logan was gonna split it 50/50 ( most likely to smoke weed ) and I was like, I drove you mother fuckers up here and did more of the technical stuff ( reading the meter for them to repeat on walkie-talkies down the mountain to Michael so he knew how to rotate the disk ). At the fucking very least it should be cut in 1/3 ( each getting around 33$ ). Then I remembered that the Elite Halo 3 Xbox 360 that he said he would give to me for 30$ so I told him that let's just let you keep the money but I keep the Halo 3 Xbox. Then he started whining that if he were to give me 20$ then he would be losing 10$. I was about the slam on the breaks and take the damn check and rip that shit up. Instead Spencer said that even though he is, in Spencer's words, a Neanderthal, throw enough logic and he'll change gears. So I explained to him that work I did compared to those two. Then he reluctantly agreed to the terms ( manly cuz Logan says that giving me an Xbox 360 he doesn't know where is and that doesn't work to keep the money makes sense - don't worry, I got that part covered ).

Well, anyways, I was upset about the whole payment thing. I don't get paid for any of the work I do for Dad or Michael. Matter of fact, Michael says that my payment is for the family using the company car since Josh wrecked theirs. But I don't even control the car and the only reason I am the one who drives it the most is because other than Mom, I am the only one with a license. I don't just take the car and I always replace the gas that I use ( unlike everyone else in the household who asks to be taken here, there and everywhere in-between ).

And why would he give the fucking check to CJ and not me? The older one and more reliable one. The one who has always been there when he needed it. I opened up to him so much about my 'military' experience and background. I thought we had somewhat of a kinship or brotherhood. Obviously, he tries CJ, the kid who whines and complains ( Michael's words ) whenever asked to do anything tough.

So that pissed me off Saturday.

And on Sunday, on the way to this fucking concert, dad was talking on why he  relied on CJ and Bobby to do security and I was like "WTF! I do everything you asked without question and I am not weak!" Then I explained that when I was living with Bernie in Philipsburg, they had me  life and hold trees to cut and move logs to the barn and even had me cut the logs for firewood. And that was a regular basis. CJ at one time ( according to Dad ) moved a 400lb furnace by myself. Yeah okay, whatever. He made a comment that he would have CJ and Bobby do security over me. Something about me having something to prove, which makes sense because they constantly put me down on things that I want to do.

Like earlier that morning, I was playing Max Payne 3 multiplayer and they were on my ass every time I got shot and died ( BTW, the Sawed Off is a game broken weapon ).

But with what Spencer keep saying about me being a tool to this family rather than an actual member. He says that is what always happens when it comes to T.O.W. families. Every persona has experienced let down after let down.

So getting there, I was already on the verge of pissed at everything. Getting there, I was hopeful. I was thinking I was far enough away from anywhere familiar and I doubt that anyone I knew had money to come to a concert they probably didn't want to go to. Until I got there and saw fucking Jesse Spencer. Jasmine's ex boyfriend before me but this douchebag hassled me when I came back from jail on FaceBook. Fucking FaceBook tough but if there was someone I wanted to take my frustration on was this dude who remained my FaceBook friend just to be a douche to me when I came back.

I tried tell Dad and the boys about it but they told me just to suck it up and worked. I just wanted to let them know that if this guys comes up to me, I won't even hold back. He won't throw a punch to set me off. Probably just talk to me and I would drop him for being a dick and for having Jasmine before me. But I doubt Dad, the boys ... or anyone would have understood. Yes, they seem to really get me, don't they.

But I did work. I directed and worked and get shit down. Even drove the bus driver to the local WalMart to grab bus maintainence things before having to drive the boys home ( because they were whiny and complaining about being there ). Luckily, when we were leaving, Lynnanne was coming with her boyfriend, so I considered that a bullet dodged.

That was until CJ and Bobby and Logan smoked up in the car. I was pissed. Angry. But ... again, I pussied out on putting my foot down. I guess I was worried about over stepping or allowing my anger from before handle this unrelated situation. So I just put on my headset and got home.

I just need ... something to change. And honestly, I hate it when I am wrong and Spencer is absolutly right.

Prison of Guilt

So, yesterday, while I was out and taking CJ and Bobby to their friend's place. When I came back, dad said he wanted to talk to me. Turned out that dad mentioned to mom about getting me a cheap pre-owned Xbox 360 and then mom added that why should they if I am leaving in June.

When I came out, it was kind of s blow out again. Dad was pissed. Saying that he got the other side of the duplex because they wanted to give me room. Spencer wanted me to point that I don't live in the side of the house because they put the worst two sons over there. And that I share a room with Tyler. But I told him it would make U.S. seem ungrateful and to that Spencer started to say that they are "ungrateful morons" ( his words ).

I ignored him as dad was ranting that my 400$+ monthly contribution really resulted to about 20$ ( "if that" - his words ). Her even said that his contribution of 100$ for my fines was taken away from my contribution.

Spencer close to lost it. According to our budgeting goal, we already calculated paying our own fine but dad wanted to use the 100$ that we had held back to help around the house and that he'd help the 250$ fine cuz by that time he would have gotten Bobby's tax return. The actual 400$ was used to get him out of the whole.

It wad annoying being yelled at from both ends and not being able to yell back. But I've learned that most T.O.W. people don't react to escalation well.

Then he started saying that if I really planned to leave in June then I might as well find a new place in the next twelve hours and move out. I told him that he didn't mean that and that he is just upset that my stay isn't permanent. Then he started to have a coughing fit and when that happens his spine pinches and ... well it usually isn't a good thing.

Spencer says that I care too Damn much for these TOWians ... and I fear he is right.oSo I pushed back my moving date. Not definite when but I am seeing Spencer's point. They are keeping me here. And leaving would result in losing there love and support.

But if their support and love is conditional ... then is it true. Maybe they to have  an alternative agenda. 

I have to work harder on the exit strategy

Proof is in the Cleaning

So, after I realized that my two hours of gamage was all I was getting when dad came down to work, cook, eat and watch TV, I went upstairs to lay down only to find out that the usual spots were taken. I looked into Tyler's room and saw CJ's futon frame still sitting there and the room still in disarray even though the boys have been home since Thursday.

So today, I rolled up my sleeves and started cleaning. Put clothes away and threw away trash and rearranged the room.

Originally, I was just gonna clean until Matt, Brandi and Amanda came to pick me up to hang out over night at their place. Honestly, I want crazy about hanging out with Amanda. She's nice but really forward and eager to jump into a relationship with me ... and she never even seen me before! O.O Stranger Danger!

Anyways, I threw stuff set and tried to set up my side of the room. I know I'll be leaving in a few months but that doesn't mean that in the mean time that if I can actually lay in a bed that I won't. Besides, I figured it would be nice to have a room ... even if I am sharing it with Tyler. Luckily, I like Tyler the most.

But I finished, while having to wait downstairs for two hours to take dad to the clinic and to get ham for Easter Sunday. I even swapped the broke ass tv that was hidden under junk in the room for a better one that was in the basement. I wanted to hook up a Xbox 360 on it but the one I found in the room, Bobby kept saying that it wouldn't work and would be a waste of my time. That comment annoys me.

Dad would use to say that I was wasting my time with Second Chance Reviews because it didn't bring money into the house. I ignored him and it had started growing slowly and steadily. I'm proud of it.

But last week, dad was on one of his rants about me leaving and said something like, 'if you think you can get Xavier without us, you are wrong. You will not be able to get Xavier back without us'. I wanted fyi punch him in the face so hard.

Both mom and dad think that I can't cut it in this fucked up TOW world but they very little about me. I lived on my own for a long while before Jasmine or anyone else was introduced into the picture. And they think they get what The Incident was all about but they never had a clue. Probably listened to Lynnanne and her fucked up web of lies and misconceptions. And whenever I try to open up and explain what happened, they either give me a blank stare or they flat out tell me I'm wrong.

It is like this entire house doubts me and I want to like ... idk .... burn it to the ground or something. And I don't get it cuz I do so much. Hell, I do more than any of my siblings or even my parents ( considering I do both and all jobs, choirs and tasks at time ).

I think I cleaned up the room for more than to just have space off my own. I did it to price to myself that I still got it. That I can still do what I put my mind set on.

So enjoy my little victory ... and trust me when I said I pulled off a miracle. This room was a living mess! This is a wicked improvement!

Their Agenda vs My Agenda

So, since I told mom about me planning on moving out, things have gotten ... a little stressful to say the least. Granted the plan isn't really formed yet but I am working on the details. Looking at locations and apartments. Checking out places for affordable used cars. Looking for opportunities in different areas. Doing research and all and trying to form somewhat of a plan on moving forward.

However, with mom, she simply wasn't happy with the idea. Dad started making moves to add the other side of the duplex to our household financial responsibilities. She said that the reason they even got the other duplex was to move me in.

Which is weird cuz they moved Bobby and CJ over there and I can't live with them with their recreational activities and then inviting random people in and then not doing much of anything since I've been there.

No thanks. I don't want to do everything while they get high with every Jane, John and Jones that they bring in.

If they offered me the other side of the duplex with set rent and shit, that would make sense but they just added responsibilities without having much of a way to pay for it without me.

Well, at least I'll be in the better half before I leave. I'll be rooming with my brother, Tyler so no real privacy but at least I'll like my roommate. And I'll have a room. A shared room but a room nonetheless.

The Beginning of Change

So, I have been thinking of moving out of here. Not because I don't love this family but because in a few months ... well, there is a lot of reasons.

Spencer doesn't feel that the move to this family was a wise move but he understood that it was an needed opportunity at a time where we needed it. However, he began to realize that a lot of things were the same as living with Lynnanne.

When offered living with Lynnanne, she said that she would help arrange my finances since I wasn't able to when I left jail. They had me on meds while in jail and I suddently left jail and they did not give me any direction or idea on how to get more meds.

The main help she did was to activate my SSI and then request rent money. After a month or two, we moved into a hotel, and it didn't click that she never paid rent with my money or even paid any of my fines that she said she would take care of while I wasn't able to do it myself. And when the concert incident with Lynnanne happened and she kicked me out and Dad and Mom took me in because I wasn't able function right alone.

Over the months of living with Mom and Dad, I have gotten better on my own. I started seeing a personal therapist ( Annette Shutters ) and I started improving my own strength and usefulness. I have gotten some of my basic functioning back and regained brain abilities that I lost since being off my T.O.W. medications. This family has tried to help in their own way but honestly, they do not understand or possiblity truly comprehend what me and my brothers go through.

When I went back to jail when we realized that Lynn never paid any of my fines with my money, Mom and Dad were not able to do much and the BioMom ended up putting the money up to pay up my PFA to get me out of jail. I haven't made a fine payment yet because ... well, Mom and Dad needed help with their own finances.

Spencer does not condone me wanting to help this family, especially to the extent to what I have done. But I feel that ... I don't know. Maybe, it is past guilt trying to make up for fucking up other families that I have previously been  a part of. Also, I do a lot of work to keep my cool and anger more in check. Work to the point of exhaustion and I don't have to energy to have an outburst. It works but when it doesn't, I disappear for a while. I don't want to return to the correctional system nor do I want to jepordize these T.O.W. people's lives. I sincerely care about each of the members of this household. They have accommodated me and my brothers ... at least it seems that they do.

Spencer, however, is not so ... attached. Since the conversation with Mom about the money,  Spencer has made it a point to push an efficient Exit Strategy Order ( ESO ) with the committee to create a sanctuary of our own.

He states that the work that I put into the workings of this currently household ( choirs set up for a household that usually turns to be done by me, aide with Dad's own work on site which I 'sugar-coat' by calling an internship at Magnum and personal chauffeuring for the family ) goes above and beyond, especially when I also give them 85% of the SSI funds for their financial difficulties. He feels that they are using me for labor that I am paying them for.

He has also pointed out time and time again, when Dad has said that he would do things that he doesn't come through.

Michael wanted games during Black Friday so I gave Dad the money to put into his account so I could purchase the games for Michael and he forgot to put the money into his account ... so he kept the money, he keeps pushing Spencer whenever he tries to work on the HUB or any other personal project of his, I sometimes am concerned about how James' interaction with Mom ... and other women that CJ brings home and he talks to and how that would be preserved. And Tobias is starting to get more attached to T.O.W. people which isn't something that has turned out well ... and other things.

Spencer also seems very upset about how none of his projects have been completed because more funds, resources and time have been put into this family instead of U.S. which is ridiculous but I can see how it can be seen as that. I care about these people ... but my loyal HAS to be with U.S.

Luckily, during this same period, I have been talking to Jenn D ( whom we will be calling Harley from now on ). She has reintroduced herself into my life. And I am setting up a proposal that it would be a better situation to start something with her. She has her own finances which she seems to be able to handle. And she seems to want to deal with me ( she is also aware of U.S. so that is a good point ).

However, this is just the planning stages. I still have to figure out how she can still work if she is to move and how we are to get around considering that she still has a son about Xavier's age, so that could be a decently good idea when Xavier is reintroduced into my life.

I made a date ( the one year anniversary month of when I was released from jail ) being June 1st that I want to be out by. Giving me to gain personal assests and giving me time to set up the family here to be okay without me. Time to easy them off me rather than just up-n-leaving.

Obviously, that has been met with a lot of conflict with Mom and Dad. They don't think that I am ready to leave and ... well, I just know that I have to do this. If not for me then for U.S.

More on this later. I am sure.

Dealing with the Monster called Nicolas

So, yesterday, I realized I didn't want to be home so I managed to get access to the car. I was going to hang out with Jen G but … half way there, she texted that her roommate Doug D had a problem with all the guests she had coming in and out of the place ( I think ). Regardless, I felt it was too much drama. Too much … of a mess to want to even deal with and very little reward to come out of it.

So I messaged Jenn D. Now Jenn D … well, she is someone who I was acquainted with a few years back. Before Jasmine but after coming back from Retreat. Never thought she would be interested in me only because ( I admit sadly ) I believed that she wanted a country guy because she was a country girl.

Well, we started talking again and she told me she has always been into me. Sadly that was around the same time I was trying to get with Candi and I didn't want to try to see one girl and have a girl on the side. But I did want to keep her as a friend. She seemed genuine and I needed more of that around me. So we kept close.

But then Candi's constant lack of conviction and effort made me lean away from her and try to talk to Jenn. But then even Jenn decided to step away from me so I focused more on me for a while and less on everyone else. With Candi it was easy because she never bothered to see me and didn't really message me unless I messaged her first.

Well, today, I just realized that I wanted to talk to someone new. Someone outside from my norm and I wanted to see if she would go for it. And she did and we went to grab something to eat at McDonalds/ I tried paying but I soon found out that the card Dad returned to me was my old card that was deactivated. Jenn was nice enough to cover for me and try to get me to not … 'overact'. She was trying to calm me down.

Then we started talking and the talk got deep. She talked about what she heard about me and wanted to hear things from my side. I asked her what she heard and she told me she heard from Jasmine's aunt, Audrey that I was a monster. Even used the word devil.

I realized that no matter how much I try to hide who I am, that will always show through. No matter what good deeds I attempt to accomplish or what I have done, the monster in me that I was raised to be will show.

While contiplating whether I should just jump out the car and leave or return the company car and disappear, Jenn told me to look at her and I did. And she kissed me. Actually kissed me. And I didn't have flash backs of Jasmine or how horrible I was. All of that washed away and I just wanted … to prove that I was a Good Beast. That I deserved to live.

And I returned the kiss. Hard. Desperate. Determined. I remembered the conversations Jenn and I had and I remembered … the potential of what I could offer.

And when the kiss was over, I realized that I was back in the company car, stopped in the middle of the road, a little dazed actually now that I remember it.

I drove us to the park and we sat and I talked. I told her about Jasmine and MY brothers and my world and the life I had before even coming here. And she sat and she listened as I went on and on and on and everything came out. The suicide around me and my suicide attempts, MY brothers and their roles, what Jasmine meant to me and what happened up to The Incident. Everything I could. And when I realized I gave her a little too much, I looked at her and she just reached for my hand and held it. Told me she was there for me.

Then we went into her life and she opened up. Opened up about her dad and his problems and how he should have stopped what happened to her. I won't repeat her story because … well, it is her story but it was rough. Something I am sure that James could relate to.

After her story, I embraced her and we kissed again. And then we joked around about how I didn't think I was a good kisser. She said that she was willing to teach me how to do it better but she wanted have one more test go so I gave it everything I got. I even used some of James' old tips that he gave me a few years back. When it was over, she just looked at me … and then she just busted up with giggles and this big ass smile.

I think I passed.

We just sat and talked for a while and then I mentioned that I should get her home. We were out for like 3hours! Her ( soon to be ex ) husband and son were home probably worried. She said that her son was in good hands and that 'to hell' with her husband. I told her that she still should get home and then she had this extremely sad face.

Then I suggested we drive to Wal-Mart. She needed a new job anyways. So we went and she applied and we talked and joked while she filed out an application right there. I got a few pictures and I realized that my hair … it was too much James, too much Spencer. And I didn't want to share. I know, I know, it was kind of what I was thinking when I was with Jasmine but … I didn't want this relationship to be a mess like that one. I kept too many secrets. I compromised too much. No, I have to learn to that if I want something I have to stand by it!

After that, I was about to drive her home when she said that she wanted to meet my parents ( Chuck and Sue ). I looked at her. I knew. She didn't want to go home. I knew then that I would have to see her tomorrow. Just to be safe. Not hang out but just see if she was hurt or damaged or anything.

Anyways, I called and got the green light to bring her home to meet them. We talked and chit-chatted on the way there and I think I was trying to calm and prep myself down as well as prep and calm her down about meeting my family.

And the short version is that mom and dad loved her! She went toe to toe with Dad and his … playful dick-headedness and mom and her understood each other for being bother hard working women and all that. Even shared horror stories of jobs not being able to pa their employees on time.

Josh worked with Jenn before ( which I totally forgot ) so for them it was like seeing an good old friend. Honestly, it turned out really well, all things considered.

The drink home was a little sobering. I knew that she was going back to her husband and she asked me to explain to him where she was and how long she was gone. We worked on our cover stories ( like my days of old in Haven ) and when we got there, we executed it. He was a disappointment from the first sight. I doubt a heads up would have made much of a difference. He looked like a slob. And he was oddly shaped. He must have been way more impressive

She was kind of shaky, which was understandable. I got to leave. She had to stay. It meant far more to her than it ever could to me really. We had to be careful. I was polite and nice. Not overbearing and believable. He seemed like he was understanding and nice about it. Shook my hand and used nice words to both me and her. When I shook his hand, I gave him the handshake I learned to give from the military. The one where you show you are stronger. I was. He knew. I smiled at him and I left giving Jenn and hug and a kiss on her neck to let me know if anything happens and that I'd be here like lightning.

The next day, I was coming back from sleeping at Tyra and Tammy's place and drive into the gas station she worked at. Half the pumps didn't work and the pump that did only allowed one time of gas. The ATM inside didn't work and it looked under supplied. No wonder she never got her paychecks on time. But she looked fine. No bruises and no extra make up or anything. But I could tell that she looked exhausted. She told me that they argued throughout the night on how she brought 'someone like me' to their house.

I instantly thought on how dad claimed to have all these people who would fight or him and protect him because he was some big deal. But I never did. Not even Jackie and Tye did that for me because they respected that I had to fight my own battles and wars. Mostly so my head would blow up ( like most tends to ). But it would have been nice to call up Bobby and CJ and Tyler to come and beat some sense into this guy's head. To pull a 'Fight Club' on him. To tell him to make things end with Jenn to her complete benefit.

But I knew I couldn't … I wouldn't. Not their problem. Hell, it wasn't even mine. It was Jenn's. I had to do what Jackie and Tye do for me. Let me fight my battles. But I told her that I was here if anything happened. And I left with a hug and premium gas.

I worry now, but I also have hope. I have a few things to do. I have to end it with Candi … if she ever really allows there to be a conversation between us. And I do believe I am going to end it with her. I am not used to this but honestly, it is something that has to happen. I really liked Candi, or at least the idea of Candi. She is nice and sweet and smart and determined … but she wasn't determined with me or even with us. And I need someone who is … better than that. Someone who makes that effort. Talks and … well, someone who wants to be known.

He said, She didn't

So yesterday, I was home with mom, waiting for my Life Manager to come in for her appointment. The boys sluggishly got themselves to school and Tink was her usual cranky self but Mom got her to school on time. Dad and Mom were having their usual back and forth. Dad teasing too much and Mom … well, she wasn't in the best of moods for it. Dad likes pushing Mom though and she laughs about it so I shouldn't be worried, right?

Well, after he left, James and her talked a little. Shared some point of views while I was bringing clothes downstairs from the upper rooms. We threw some clothes into the wash and took care of some of the dishes before I dragged James upstairs to watch me do some simulation training. It didn't take long for Mom to come upstairs to use the bathroom. When she got out, James couldn't wait to resume girl talk. I tried to go back to the simulation. I needed a release as of late and this was my best way of getting it.

But I did keep one ear open. Mostly, Mom talking about how Dad plans on using her money. This, that and the third. Dad is making plans on what to use the money for and Mom doesn't feel that he is going through it with her. She feels that he is just gonna use it and she just gonna be okay with it. I cut myself in and asked her “Have you tried talking to him about it?” She replied that she has but he shushes her up saying, “Do we have to talk about this right now?” No matter what time it is. I then asked, “Do you push the issue?” where she replied that she has simply given up at this point. I returned to my exercise. Lose cause if she isn't willing to fight for what is hers.

But James is all sympathetic. Trying to sound like he cared about her but whenever I looked at him I knew what he was staring at. Jeez, constantly calling her “Mom” constantly isn't working as much as I would like.

But she started going off about how he promised Bobby and myself a car. And then she started talking about how Dad wanted to use some of her money to help re-launch Dad's online business and that he is gonna repay this person and that person with her money. Then she started saying that Dad was going to repay the boys for him using their survival benefits to pay for rent. I zoned out and focused on my performance. I hated getting a low score. I needed to achieve something to feel like I was still keeping my skills some what sharp.

Then she started saying that she didn't understand why she had to re-pay people for living here. Spencer happened to walk by and I noticed he stopped. He tapped my shoulder and I paused my simulation.

“Wait a minute here,” I started, “You mean paying for the rent here?” She said yea.

I kind of understood. When I was moved in, dad said that he would repay the money I put into the family. I was gonna factor out 300$ and consider that rent even though I don't have my own room. And I rarely ever use anything that isn't already offered to me. And if I do want/need to use something ( such as the SUV ) I try to make sure I have the money to cover for the gas ( not maintenance because that argument is ridiculous in my opinion ).

I sat up to listen better and even Spencer got closer as he removed his glasses. That is “more serious” maneuver.

She continued saying that that arrangement between Dad and I was never discussed with her at all. I asked her that since they were married wouldn't/shouldn't they have discussed and agreed on it. She said no.

Spencer shook his head and replaced his glasses. “I knew these T.O.W. People were not worth the trouble.” And with that, he walked back downstairs to work on his terminal.

And then she started to say that she shouldn't pay for me to get a new car because she didn't wreck it. Matter of fact, she was against anyone else driving it other than me and her. Since Josh wrecked it, then Josh should pay for it.

I just shook my head and let James continue talking to her while I went back to my simulation. I needed to beat the crap out of something.

Next, I need to figure out an exit strategy ...

Sound Deception by Simon

I woke up early this morning and went downstairs to play Deus Ex: Human Revolution I got from the Xbox Live 360 Free Game for the month for a few hours when Dad came downstairs. He asked if it was okay for him to use my computer to record some stuff for a station's program that he has to do. He mentioned that he had to use he headset to hear and record and I mentioned that it doesn't work on my computer yet. He asked why it doesn't work and I told him that Bobby said that it just didn't have what it needed to play sound.

He plugs his headset in and boom, sound! Making me look more like an idiot than I am willing to feel like that early in the morning. He says that since his headset was a USB plug in that that might have been the reason that the sound works.

Later, I was telling Spencer, "Hey! The sound works on the terminal!"

"I know," he replied.

"What? How did you know?"

"Cuz I fixed it this morning. That's how."

"Well, Dad said ... ", I started.

"Forget what the moron thinks he knows. He makes a living out of making people feel he knows what he is doing ... and his son is no better."

This inter-family fighting ... is giving me a major headache this weekend. :(

Just Human

I know I complain a lot on this thing and that isn't completely fair. I mean, I know that I love them because when I needed someone they were here. And even though CJ pisses me off, I do love the shit outta him. Bobby too! Nakoma at times too ( probably because I don't do well with kids ). Tyler is kind of my favorite in my house next to Mom ( Sue ). Tyler's habit is the only thing that annoys me about him. And Mom allows herself to think negatively about herself because she is a woman or something like that. I try not to think too hard about it. But honestly, they are all human. And I have to accept them as such. Humans with character flaws and faults. Hell, I have problems so shouldn't I be more understanding?

I am losing it. I am losing everything mentally. Patience. Understanding. Caring. I am losing it all.

Dad has told me that Bobby, CJ, Tyler, Nakoma, Mom and even Dad himself, are all versions of my actual brothers that I still work with.

Nakoma – Tobias ( my 6 y/o nephew )
Bobby – Spencer
CJ - James

Tyler – Michael ( most related to )
Dad – Seth ( minus the actions )
Mom - … well, she doesn't relate to anyone

So living here shouldn't be too hard, right? I don't know why but it is. It is hard to constantly having to deal with their shit and dealing with my brothers at the same time.
Last night, CJ got a text when he came home around 2 in the morning from some chick named Fawn who was visiting a friend whom she had some late night conflict with and was stranded in the next town over and needed a place to stay for the weekend.

If it were me … I would take her in for the weekend she needed. I wouldn't ask or expect anything but I would help with the idea that she is going to leave. Potential asset or just the good deed for the month. But I would have. Now though? If I was living by myself … I probably wouldn't have answered her text. Especially at 2 in the morning. I would have rolled over and gone back to sleep. Possibly deleted the message so that my brothers wouldn't have come across it.

I worry because:

• Spencer hates women. Especially ones that don't over anything immediately.
• James would try to sleep with her ( regardless of age, sex or creed )
• Michael would have tried to convince her that her 'inner power' was worth exploring
• Tobias would have been shy but would have tried to 'mom' or 'big sister' her
• and Seth … well, we won't talk about what he would have done

Honestly, it is exhausting, frustrating and draining to deal with that innerly. But I have more pull with that than I do with this family that I am living with. I am not a fundamental part of this family. I am an addition. If I am to leave ( or to be kicked out ) the family would revert back to the life they had before. Obviously, financially things would be different ( until the 26^th of the month ) but they would find a way to close the gap that my extra, not essential, finances brought in. And the memories they had that included me would be there but that would fade too as all else.

That is different from what I am used to with my actual brothers. Sometimes, we fight and what not. With me it does tend to get physical ( because I am bad on everything else ). But I know that we are the highest authority to us! There isn't calling the cops or telling anyone “oh he hit me” or even long time repercussion or retaliation for the fighting or arguing.

Here, I could be kicked out, I could be reported ( and break probation ) … a series of other things. Things other people have not just done to me but to my brothers as well. And if they do tend to let a fight or two ( it wouldn't stop at two ) slide, I would either have to leave on my own accord or I will feel indebted to them but being such a inconvenience.

So no matter how much they say otherwise … they are just human.

My Weekend Part II

So around 8pm, James was like, "Dude, this is pathetic. Let's go out, have some fun. You know, that thing you don't do, called socialize."


I was reluctant at first but Dad mentioned something today about letting my brothers express themselves more and being more social myself. And it so happen that Kayla and Michelle wanted us to hang out again after the last time was such a blast. Besides, I could ask to spend the night and I can take care of seeing Sam ( my PO officer ) the next day and get that out of the way before I get reported for noncompliance.


So I went upstairs to pack while James showered. On the way out there Dad wanted to play a million questions ( mostly to poke fun at it ) and Nakoma physically latched herself to my leg so that I wouldn't leave. I told everyone my plans ( leaving James to keep quite about whatever he wanted to do ) and in the mist of it all, somewhat of an argument ensued. Kayla and Melissa arrived and I virtually ran out the door to avoid losing the small cool I had left ... forgetting a jacket and my phone charger.


While driving, Kayla and Melissa said that I could stay but that I had to leave at 6 in the morning because then everyone would be doing their own stuff and since I am a new friend I couldn't just stay at their house alone, which was completely reasonable. However, that meant that I had to try to find someone else to hang with until my 8pm appointment.


Well, since I was focused on my thing, I wasn't very sociable. Matter of fact, I might have been more of a dick then initially intended when my attention was requested. So Melissa said that she was dropping me and Kayla off her Kayla's house since I no longer seemed like the "ray of sunshine" as before. James complained a little but I didn't care. Less people and less annoyance, really.


Well, we got dropped off and James and Kayla hung out while I worked on trying to find someone I knew that knew me and actually still lived in the area. I figured that Tammy could help me out but her boyfriend was around and it would looked bad if we just showed up. A few other people were just like "no" and others just didn't bother to reply. One was like, "If you can get 'candy' ( weed ) and then maybe you can". That last person was Jennifer G. I was disgusted and pissed and ... started to scrape the bottom of the barrel.


My ex-girlfriend Chasity said that she might be able to do it, if mom ( her mom but her mom loves me enough to call me son ) would be willing to wake up that early. That was okay but I needed a back up plan. Luckily shortly after that, Brandi and Matt messaged me back saying that they wouldn't have a problem with me coming in in the morning and staying with them until my appointment.


That helped me sleep better.


I woke up a little before 6 and went upstairs to use the bathroom. Kayla and James were no where to be seen. Walking into the bathroom I saw an array of clothing all over the place. Some of them were mine. I guess that James must have worn my clothes prior to leaving. There was blood on the boxers. A lot of it. I could only imagine how it got there as I vomited in the toilet. I went down and got a small trash bag to wrap the bloody clothes into and collected the other articles of my clothes from the floor.


Then I woke up James and which woke up Kayla and then she says we have to leave because her mother was coming home ... and her mother does not like either of us. So he showered ( I didn't ask ) and I found everything that we brought with us and tried to erase our existence there. We left and started walking towards the rendezvous a few blocks away to be picked up by Matt.


Matt picked us us in the Subaru that he has been trying to sell me for 3k. Wouldn't be such a bad idea if I didn't hear from others that he is laughing behind our back about how it is barely staying intact. That it wasn't worth 1k but with the extra money he was gonna get a truck or something. As nice as a Subaru as it looks on the outside, the fact that he tried to pull one over my eyes pisses me off. I'd blow him off if it wasn't for Brandi, his fiance.


Brandi ... well, she is another story all together for another time.


I came to their house and James went to sleep upstairs and I stayed on the couch but soon passed out on the couch. When I woke up, it was just Brandi and Izzy and Izzy was running around being a kid. It was hard to look at Izzy because Izzy and Xavier used to play together a lot and ... well, memories filled my head. So I talked to Brandi, trying hard not to think about the things that I absolutely love about her.


I remember when Jasmine first left, that I got surprisingly really close to Brandi, There was this one time I got low, like really low, and she was there and saved me. We shared a moment there that we both knew that it was but ... just didn't act on it. I was still stuck on Jasmine and she had Matt. And then when I got arrested she came to visit me and ... it killed me and saved me both at the same time.


So it was a struggle to be so close to her and to just ... sit there and talk. Not like we have really done anything else other than that but it was still ... there.


But we did. We talked about our old support group and told her a little of what was going on with me at the time. We talked about how things have changed since back then and how things need to change now. We were hinting at something without coming near to it.


Then we talked about ... how I remembered Xavier when I saw Izzy. Luckily, I don't remember Jasmine directly because she was never really around whenever Izzy was over for a play date but ... remembering Xavier still hurt because I haven't seen him in two years. She seemed to sympathize but by that point I closed everything out to keep my head. She was just Brandi then. Not the woman I loved after Jasmine or the woman who saved me. Just some woman across from me whose name is Brandi who had 3 children and a fiance who is trying to sell me a crap car.


After our talk, I went upstairs too find something else to do. Something that didn't involve people. I found Matt's XBox and tried to play some Max Payne 3 but the disc was missing. Actually, with the games he had, almost every disc he had had the vital disc I needed was missing. I eventually got on his Xbox and played a simulation that was already on the hard drive. I was doing well with it, adapting with plans not failing the mission.


Eventually, Matt came home and we went to a smoke run. When we came back, it was about thirty minutes until my appointment. Gave Tammy a call because I convinced her to give me a ride home even though her boyfriend was in town. At that point, I didn't care about the "ripples". I had to get home because I couldn't stay in Clearfield area any longer. It was starting to make me physically ill ... and I was starting to get antsy looking out the window looking for the "right people".

She was late picking me so I just barely made my appointment and I quickly did what needed to be done and left. I think they were annoyed that I was cutting it close.

The drive one was ... interesting. We talked. We did more than talk ... but not much more. Got home at almost record time ( yea, process that ). But we talked about her boyfriend and what is right ( and wrong ) with him and what she keeps getting confused with concerning me. I stick around her for Tyra because I care about Tyra and I miss her and want to be a good role model to her but being in a relationship with Tammy would be ... well, it would be a lot of headache really for both of us. So we talked about that and she ended up sticking with her boyfriend.

I really need to figure out what I am doing here. I am cutting things close and putting myself through more heartache and headache than necessary. The new year is coming and change has to come with it.

My Weekend Part 1

So, I was suppose to see Candi again on Saturday. We even planned for a week for this because I didn't want anything to go wrong this time around. She said that she had some things to do in the morning but that she would leave around 2pm for the 3 hour drive. Mom and Dad went to a company Christmas Party that I passed up to see Candi. Nakoma went to hang out with her cousins, Tyler left with Bon to do what they do and CJ and Bobby had a friend over and they were gonna be upstairs. I was gonna have Candi to myself to talk, watch movies and ... "stuff". She would see me on Saturday so I could introduce her to the folks when they got home and she would spend the night and then on Sunday spend time with her daughters, then come back until she left Monday morning.

Well, I texted her in the morning and everything seemed to still be the plan so when 2pm came and went without a "I'm out the door and on my way" message, I did not worry much ... until 6pm came and she wasn't here. I thought the worst and sent her a text message. She replied after like 15 minutes saying she was just leaving the door.

Okay, I am sure that whatever she was doing just took a lot longer than expected. No worries. As long as she is still okay and coming down, right?

In the next three hours, I cleared up the kitchen and finished 95% of the laundry, swept and picked up the carpeted living room ( because the broom got out my frustrations ), made everything not smell like dog ( which is a trade secret that people are seriously willing to kill for ) and re-showered and put on some of my nicest ( and most flattering ) clothes,.

So around 9pm, I sent her another text message, asking her if she was okay. Maybe she was in a car wreck or fell asleep at the wheel or something. I was getting worried ... again. She replied back that she was in traffic and it would take longer than she expected. She said she was in Halifax. 2 and a half hours away. Disappointed by not defeated, I kept my hopes up.

Nakoma came home because Emily was being a bully by locking her in the clothes because Nakoma didn't do what she wanted her to do.

So Nakoma and I ate some homemade ( prison taught ) Ramon Noodles and we played Tales from the Borderlands ( I played she gave suggestions to the choices ). Mom and Dad came home and asked where my friend was. Sadly, I said, that she probably isn't coming over, and then immediately launched myself into what they have been doing for the past 7 hours. They helped prep the company party and did some Christmas shopping and got most of the things on the list before actually going to the party. Since the council consisted of all three of us, so even though I wasn't there, I wanted to make sure the things I wanted the boys and Nakoma to get was purchased.

After that, we all watched some TV, where I passed out around ... 11? I woke up around 1 thinking "crap! she could have called or texted and I missed it! She probably went home if I didn't answer." Checked my phone and there was no message ... at all, call or otherwise.

Depression started to actually really set in. I had to talk to someone so I started talking to my platonic soulmate, Katelyn. See, Katelyn ( if you read the the last few times I wrote about potentially seeing Candi ) told me not to give up and not to compare her ( and every other woman ) like she is Jasmine. I have to give them a chance and not be so harsh, she said.

So when I told Kay ( short for Katelyn ) everything and she asked, "Isn't this like the 4th or 5th time she has been a no-show?" I reply, "Something like that."

I was kind of shocked that she replied, "She's a shitbag. Block her number. Go to bed."

I told her I will go to bed but I ( because I am stupid beyond belief ) stayed a wake. Around 2am, she texted me that she just got to her mom's house 30 minutes away and that she was exhausted and that she will see me tomorrow.

I ... I got ... I wasn't happy. Not even in the slightest. So I wrote back that I am glad that she is safe and that she should stay there and have a good weekend ... and then I passed out. Woke up and nothing new until closer to the afternoon where she was like, I understand that you are upset but if you want me to come over let me know.

I replied, "You know my address, come if you want". But I didn't rearrange my schedule or tell anyone to expect someone. I worked on the computer so that US would have a terminal here in T.O.W. since the laptop is gone in the wind ( because of Lynnanne ).

You know this ain't ...

So, yesterday, Candi was suppose to come down from Camp Hill. We talked about it and she said the latest she would leave her place would be around 2-3 pm. Magnum was hosting a party for their employee and even though I am not officially on their payroll, I have done a lot of work with Dad so they invited me to socialize and bump elbows with the other employees of the company.

But I wanted to actually hang out with Candi, and since it is 3 hours from where he is to where I am and Mom and Dad were leaving around 2-3 pm to prep for the party at 7 pm, I felt I had plenty of time to get showered and dressed, clean up the living areas of the room and finish the choirs I got and herd the boys where they would be comfortable and out of the way.

Estimated time of arrival, 5-6 pm. However, 6:30pm I text her asking if she was okay and she replied that she was and she was heading out the door now.

Really? But hey, things happened. She told me that she was going Christmas Shopping prior so I can kind of understanding that things at malls and whatnot probably didn't go according to plan. Hell, my other friend, Kayla, said she was going to go Christmas Shopping today for 6 hours to get everyone on her list on one day but that it was kinda crazy today so she didn't even bother.

So, I kept myself busy. Mom and Dad were gone doing their own Christmas shop and help prep for the party so they were gone, Tyler were in and out with Bon, Bobby and CJ had a girl over and they are ... I don't know. Or really care. They were out of my hair and I already got a earful from Spencer about the little fight he had with Dad about Spencer working on his own computer. Longer story in another post probably on his WordPress ( ProfSimonSpencer) I am sure.

So, all around, I was annoyed and getting mad so I started getting things done . Laundry, dishes, sweeping and cleaning and trying to get Bobby to help with the computer (to appease both Spencer and Dad) but he was too busy with his guest so that one task kind of crawled. Spencer in my ear telling me that people time and time again will let us go and depending on any of these T.O.W. inhabitants is a complete waste of time. Especially, trying to have something happen with this "Candi woman" is destined to fail like my marriage to Jasmine.

Trying to push him aside to not punch and throw everything took a lot. Also, the thought that whatever mess made would have to be fixed and cleaned up by me before anyone noticed. There have already been a few things I had to throw away to keep myself calm and cleared from any suspicion.

Zach and Matt ( his friend ) came over to drop off Nakoma. She seemed to have gotten into it with our cousin Emily. Emily seems to be slapping Nakoma and throwing her into closets to keep her from reporting her to her parents. Nakoma told Zach ( her older brother ) and Zach is pretty good on laying down the law with his siblings so I figured that I let them handle it within house. But I told Nakoma if Emily does it again, then I will have to take action. Then Nakoma started talking about her real dad and her feelings about him. I tried to be as supportive as I can and I made her some "Chill" Ramon ( because she had tooth taken out and she needed softer food ). We talked for a little bit and we played Tales from the Borderlands ( Xbox 360 ) together until Mom and Dad came home.

"Where is your friend?" they asked.

I was lost on what to say but honestly since this wasn't the first time that she didn't show up but the 4th time, I figured that I had this coming after the 2nd time.

I shrug and say, "I am not worth seeing, I guess", and I continued helping them get stuff in and talking about what they did while they were out Christmas Shopping and how the party was. Then we all came to the living room and while they watched midnight TV, I must have passed out.

I woke up around 1 in the morning, cursing that I slept and checked my phone. No phone call, no text message. I talked to Katelyn ( platonic soulmate ) and she was the one who told me the first time when she just disappeared when she was suppose to have came up to see me, that not everyone is Jasmine. I need to be understanding. But when I told her that this is the 4th time she just didn't show up she said ( and I quote ) " OMG! The fifth time? Go to bed. Block her number. She is a shitbag."

Sadly, I stayed up until I got a message from her:

I just got to my mom's house. I'm dead exhausted. I'm going to sleep for now n I can come up early am if u want if not I'll understand ;(
Really? REALLY?! 8 hours for a 3 hour drive?

I told her that I was glad that she was safe at her mom's and to stay there and to enjoy her family and daughters since she came to see them and to 'take care'. My version of saying "Bye Felicia" without being a bitch. Then she said that if I still want her to come in tomorrow she can if I don't have any plans.

Today is Bobby's birthday. Not that that means much because he is going to hang out with his girlfriend but I ... I broke down that this isn't the first time or the second time and honestly I shouldn't have let there be a third time but this is fourth ( or fifth honestly because now that I think about it there has to have been another time ) and I told her that ... that it hurts and that it wasn't fair that I change not just my own plans but my family's plans and work plans ( breaking my own rules with priorities ).

She replied:

I know and I understand completely there is no execuse I'm sorry that's all I can say if you decide u want to see me I'll be in until Monday around 10:30-11am

Paris once told me that I have to not let people have priorities over the priority of me. I honestly shouldn't have let it have gotten this bad. And she has made like no effort to either see me or comfort me about not being here multiple times. If someone cares then they make the effort and if they can't but want to, they will try to make up for it. If they don't or won't then they'll keep giving excuses and give minimal effort.

I think it is time to move on.

December Budgeting at Better Me Committee Meeting

So on the first, my case worker came over to where I work to have a meeting with me, mom and dad since that was where we all were. I was running late though because about an hour prior to the meeting I had to take Josh to work and I thought I had enough time to run him to with and come back.

When I came back to work, I had fifteen minutes left available for the meeting so I decided to talk about the main thing that I wanted to talk about, which was the December Budget. The December Budget that mom and me developed with the main source of income. 

To say the least I was proud of myself ... oh, and mom too.

Me and mom have been working on it for about a week or two and I felt it was kind of solid enough to present to dad as a goal for the month.

The meeting started off week enough but then dad started pointing out obvious holes in the plan. That the budget must have had unforeseen expenses and that unlike all the money the rest of the family makes, dad's money ( the biggest contribution ) was unknown and sporadic. We could estimate how much he'd get but not when he'll get it. 

That makes posing actual bills more difficult because even when based on everyone else's income we can pay all the bills and have plenty left over, the time the bills are due and reported that becomes irrelevant.

Then there is the idea that actual money is spent on food do that we can make it until assistance comes. And then there is the random, unknowable stuff like last month we had to buy spark plugs and the nee rotor. And then there I'd the cigarettes/snuff and random work meals.

However mom and me already considered much ( not all ) of these and we knew that showing dad the spreadsheet would require his own input.

He turned the spreadsheet inside out and in traverse but he couldn't figure out house we got our numbers because according to the spreadsheet we should have extra money at the end of the month but each month ... well we don't.

Nikki suggested that we make an actual account of what goes in and out of the household financially..

Walking Nikki to her car I spoke to her about dad's resistance to the work that we've done. Also, informed her that dad already pulled out three hundred dollars in cash from an account. I'm sure it went towards something that was needed or why else. I was already aware that under half of it went to food for the family.

I think we ( mainly mom and myself ) have to keep track of where they money goes and what not.  My thoughts are my own but I think mom suspects that dad is up to something.

Spencer suggested that U.S. have an exit strategy because this it's looking very simular to the Lynnanne situation. I'm going he's wrong ... but there is no harm in planning.

Hating the Mask

Today, was a bad day. Dad referred to me as a pussy again. When he does that I want to throw stuff at him, smash his head in, shoot him in the thigh and step in it to make him suffer, crack a baseball bat at his back to just watch him suffer.

The Darkness breaking through. Like withdraw.

But Spencer order me nit to take any action. That relocation from the situation I created can't be escaped from. That the legacy must be returned to U.S. and that suffering the constant insults and belittling is my punishment I must endure for speeding up his damn timetables

But I know if I take actions, then he'll say that he was "just kidding" and that "I shouldn't have taken it so seriously" or I "shouldn't get butthurt" our some dumb shit or something stupid that he always says. Don't take it personally but they'll label me as such.

Fuck! I'm angry ... again! Angry all the time. And I'm not the beat you down kind of guy .. I'm the tie you to the bed when you sleep as I burn your house down around you kind of thing.

Or maybe I should bring Seth back. I notice how he looks at them. Even Nakoma. And CJ. He wants to beat CJ. He wants to break Bobby. He wants to ... he doesn't wan anything good for these people.

And this is my brother! They don't know what have been done just cause. Living in TOW at first there were little restrictions. Bad things happened. Some of my brothers keep good of that feeling while most of us tried to change and adapt to U.S.'s rules for TOW.

My family now won't know. The first few knew and they ... they aren't ... I can't let that happen again. Spencer thinks that I have forgotten but sometimes I remember. I know I forget because of him but sometimes I remember.

I can't let ... I have to control my brothers. My real brothers. They'll ruin everything.

Maybe I have to leave. I hate this mask I have to put on to protect people. So let me stop and save them by leaving.

It'll be best for everyone. Pack up and move on to the next level. Unless, I can come up with another solution but honestly I hate quitting and running.

She makes ME sick!

So my brother Bobby has asked about my dick size before, James' too. I tend to ignore the question and stop James from dropping hiss pants in front of everyone.

Bobby says that Brittany ( an ex friend to me and FwB to James ) and Lynn says we got a white boy dick. I shrug it off. I really don't give two flying fucks on hearsay of what two girls with hallway vaginas have to say. Besides, James says they kept coming back so that tells me that it obviously was not that bad.

But yesterday, Bobby claimed that we had white boy dick. I'm like, are you going to go off what a two tramps who no longer talk or like either me or James anymore? They could be lying for all he knows.

He said that Lynn, my sister had dick pictures to price it. I look to James, obviously pissed, and he gave me his silent "opps" shrug. Then Bobby said that Lynn said that I had sex with her and had sex with her husband Josh. I brushed it off but they look on his face was completely serious.

I started to feel sick. Just the thought of me having sex with her is sickening. Even if she isn't my actual sister, she is a horrible person inside and a disgusting person on the outside. My stomach turned and I wanted to vomit.

But once again, I look to James and he gives me his "opps" shrug and I instantly wanted to snag his head in. Dad came in and Bobby repeated what he said and he looked at me and said "you defiantly didn't do any of that Nick but I completely believe James did."

I swear I need to put a fucking chastity belt on James. Even if it isn't true. It is the idea that I'm guilty by association.

And now, days later, I feel sick to my stomach still. I need to get him tested ASAP. And I need stomach medication to settle the symptoms of this revelation.

I wish I didn't need James. That I could have a conversion without getting angry or so straightforward that it turns people off.

I need to get better socially myself. Then maybe I can move on from James because he is staying to rally damage my image here.