One of Those Nights

Nights like this, where I wake up in they middle of the night, where I gaff no work to do and I do not want to wake anyone with trying to do choirs at 4 in the morning, I am left with my thoughts.

And my thoughts almost always goes back to Jasmine. Sometimes, I try to push my mind to the bloodbath of my younger stages of life but I dose some ghosts work harder to haunt.

Before, when I had a bad day or a bad dream, I'd wake up to Jasmine next to me sometimes and I'd just cuddle myself to hee and quietly cry. Just to get it out. But then I'd smile because I had her to release to. Granted, she probably never know because she would be sleeping but a lot of times, her personality, my love for her, our family, they all kept the demons out for me. And when they got in, just her existence of someone so compassion and love and understanding ... made me feel that ... a monster like me can still be loved.

I no longer have that.

When I moved in here, I wanted to return the favor of them taking me in. But ... I'm starting to feel like a servant. A slave. A favored slave out of  one but still a slave that isn't allowed to leave.

I think ... Spencer knows they need me ... butt it isn't the same as being loved. Of loving. Like with Jasmine. And I've tried finding someone, anyone else, but I swear they see they monster and leaves.

Mom says I try too hard ... but what is to hard when it comes to saving your own life?

Maybe I just need to do something before morning choirs at 7. Maybe ... I need to do something. A pain that might dull the pain of her leaving me like Todd.

Prison of Guilt

So, yesterday, while I was out and taking CJ and Bobby to their friend's place. When I came back, dad said he wanted to talk to me. Turned out that dad mentioned to mom about getting me a cheap pre-owned Xbox 360 and then mom added that why should they if I am leaving in June.

When I came out, it was kind of s blow out again. Dad was pissed. Saying that he got the other side of the duplex because they wanted to give me room. Spencer wanted me to point that I don't live in the side of the house because they put the worst two sons over there. And that I share a room with Tyler. But I told him it would make U.S. seem ungrateful and to that Spencer started to say that they are "ungrateful morons" ( his words ).

I ignored him as dad was ranting that my 400$+ monthly contribution really resulted to about 20$ ( "if that" - his words ). Her even said that his contribution of 100$ for my fines was taken away from my contribution.

Spencer close to lost it. According to our budgeting goal, we already calculated paying our own fine but dad wanted to use the 100$ that we had held back to help around the house and that he'd help the 250$ fine cuz by that time he would have gotten Bobby's tax return. The actual 400$ was used to get him out of the whole.

It wad annoying being yelled at from both ends and not being able to yell back. But I've learned that most T.O.W. people don't react to escalation well.

Then he started saying that if I really planned to leave in June then I might as well find a new place in the next twelve hours and move out. I told him that he didn't mean that and that he is just upset that my stay isn't permanent. Then he started to have a coughing fit and when that happens his spine pinches and ... well it usually isn't a good thing.

Spencer says that I care too Damn much for these TOWians ... and I fear he is right.oSo I pushed back my moving date. Not definite when but I am seeing Spencer's point. They are keeping me here. And leaving would result in losing there love and support.

But if their support and love is conditional ... then is it true. Maybe they to have  an alternative agenda. 

I have to work harder on the exit strategy

Running Trend ...

Alright, this is another girl post. I suppose that it is women that tend to bother me enough to post about.

Well, anyways, Candi hasn't sent anything or replied to my messages in over 2 weeks. I would have been mad if it hasn't been like 5 no shows ( i have yet to see her ) and scarce phone calls ( 1-2 total ) and limited text messages in the 4-5 months of our psudeo relationship. The last time we talked was probably the end of last month, and I stopped trying to be excited or hopeful about seeing her. I was waiting to be surprised but more of the same continued so I continued on doing me.

In between, I haven't really been trying to find anyone in particular but I did try to maintain friendships and what not ( like in The Sims ). Not exactly flirting but still making advances where it seemed to fit.

Most of the women I mentioned in my New Year Resolution post I have taken a big step from. Ignoring messages and forgetting phone numbers. But, loneliness sets in sometimes.

It did for Jen. We started talking again. Like daily. It bothered me that she was still married and everything because of how closely related it was too my own relationship with my wife but it was different enough from her point of view. She says that it was him who stopped caring and who was pushing her away and making her life miserable.

I believed I wanted to rescue her from an uncaring environment and give her something more. Give myself something more. The ideas that a monster like me could be loved.

I admit, I started trying after the night where I opened up to her. I started to hope.

We made plans to hang out for Valentine's Weekend. However, last minute she got 'sick' ( even though she went back to work that weekend after calling off ) and we changed our plans.  Rather than dinner and movie stuff that we were going to do, we would just get a hotel room for two weekends after. Just us, talking, learning, being together ... testing out the waters.

Well, last weekend, she just disappeared. Stopped texting, no calls, even her Facebook was gone ! I figured something was done wrong or she found out something about me that drove her away. At first, I tried to ignore the pain of rejection and started to just go back to the grind. Worked twice as hard on house work and my "internship".

Several days and a breakdown later she messages me out of the blue. No intro and no real detailed explanation. Just that she had a breakdown cuz her husband stated to realize that he was going to be an ex-husband and he made everything harder on her.

Memory guilt slides the mental knife deeper into my soul ... but what would it matter if I am finally loved at the end, right?

I confront her about her talking to me if she really cared. If she was going through something, she didn't have to go along with it alone. I wanted to be there for her but that I wasn't going to have a repeat of Candi. I simply wasn't. She said that she would try harder to be better for both of us.

I told her that I'd see her in a few days since I'd be in the area and I'd pick her up for work. So I did. We talked a little but I could tell that something was not right. She seemed scared and distracted and just distant. I tried to tell her that I wanted to help. She was physically fine but emotional and mental abuse was a possibility ... Jasmine claimed I did the same thing but I never did. I always raised her up. Always tried to support her. Maybe she said it to others to gain people on her side.

Anyways, I tired to convince her that I was on her side. Wanted to be involved in what was going on. She said she wanted to run away and I told her that we would. I didn't want to be in this area. The memories killed me here and she agreed she had memories to run from too. We started to connect but she had to go to work.

I tried to hold her hand, hug her, kiss her ... but she wasn't "feeling" it. So I dropped her off and went on with my job of that day.

Came back to check up on her later and her demeanor completely changed. She was happier. Actually smiling which was not what she was doing before at all. I wanted to hug her in congratulating her change of mood but she was actually working with customers and gfs station related things. I tried waiting because ... well, I just wanted to have a few moments. Take a picture or something but people kept coming in and I had no idea if any particular person would tell her husband and cause her more trouble so I just got gas and left. She bought me two packs of smokes though. 

We talked for a days but once again, she has stopped replying to my text and messages. This weekend was suppose to be the Hotel Weekend. But I can't do this? Well, not this way.

I'd help if she asked. I'd stay if she showed she wanted me to. But without knowing, without the communication, I could be wasting my time and lately the committee has been on my case about T.O.W. people wasting our time and resources.

So last night, I sent her a text. A text that said that I cared tremendously but I was not going to have a repeat of Candi  ( or Jasmine for that matter ). If she cared then she'll make the effort but I'm not going be the only one trying. I'm not gonna be a side dude to someone I want to make my main focus. So I told her to take care of herself.

If she wants me she'll find me and make the effort. She'll come back.

But my breath is too valuable to me to waste on holding it. That I've at least learned

She is not Jasmine

So after Candi's no site, I was obviously still upset but I still have a few wise friends that I talk to. Mainly Kayelyn, who has been my platonic soulmate since we met and she has been my voice if reason ever since. She puts me in my place when I need to and she shows love and concern. She is a valuable asset to me.

I told her what was going on and she explained that I shouldn't be so hard on her. I then explained that it is a level of respect. Jasmine lost respect for me "as a husband" and that killed me hard then. It is that thought behavior that had her stealing money and having AJ sleep in our bed when I wasn't around and everything what. I swore I wouldn't allow that to happen again. No matter what.

Kayelyn replied:

Everyone deserves their own chance on their own merit, she isn't Jasmine.

She explained that she didn't mean to hurt me and I shouldn't allow a momentary flaw bar myself from someone great to me. Mom and Frosty said the same thing to me.

So I messaged Candi and talked to her about what I felt. She was remorseful and apologetic so I feel that she wasn't being malicious with her action. I told her my train if thought so that she sound understand where I was and how I got there mentally. She said she understood and said she would do her best not to let that happen again.

So things are kind of on track. We are taking and being lovey dovey. Can you believe that we haven't jumped into anything. What I mean is that we haven't sent any nudes or talked too naughty or jumped the gun with saying LOVE yet ( even though I feel we are heading in that direction ).

I'm feeling better with it all. I am gonna be more cautious but I try not to let that prevent our progress. I want this to work so I will put the effort for success here!

Dark Horse

So I've been seeing someone ... well, not really seeing anyone because it isn't official or anything.

Okay, let me start over. I knew a woman who taught me how to cook and clean and other daily activities that I had troubles with when I started living by myself. She was so cool and everything and she was so supportive. I considered her a great friend. I even invited her to the last birthday party that I attended.

Candi ( potential GF? )

She didn't show up and that was around the time Jasmine and I were ding better and nothing else matters. Nothing else at all. Not my smoking habit or my meds or going to my support group or even my friends. Nothing mattered because I was improving my family, Jasmine and Xavier.

Because of my dedication to something that already failed before it started, I had to "go away".

Now being back, James has made a campaign to get me hooked up with different women. Some were ridiculously outrageous or even out of my league. Others were simply not interested and others simply did not interest me personally. And there were a few that started off great and I was really excited about. Like Jennay and Shiane and Lacey and even Kayla and Jeska, but they all failed me. They were so stuck on themselves when I needed someone to be there for me as a friend and a partner.

My good friend, Frosty, who James has had a huge crush on, told me that I was comparing every girl to the idea I have out on a pedestal of Jasmine at her best in my mind and that is "not only unrealistic and impossible because that Jasmine isn't and probably never was the real Jasmine but also that means that you haven't let her go or moved on. Is that right for the next girl?"

Upon this revelation I ended James's Woman Search Project do I could move on. Concentrated on my own life and such. I started to get rid of people on my Facebook profile and phone contacts. Less fake people to focus on the people that actually meant something to me.

Candi was someone who survived the First Round of Elimination and I started talking to people, including her, to let them know that I cared about their lives ( something dad seems to feel is pointless ). Some replied while others didn't which made it easier to decide who wouldn't make it past Round Two.

I found myself talking to Candi often. Liking pictures and posts and making comments and what not. Enjoying the interaction because she would actually reply and talk back with some sense. I was enjoying myself with her.

One day, she posted that she was in a relationship to show her respect and everything. I talked her later and found out she did that to make her ex leave her alone. Something in me got excited and we started talking more personally. Dancing around but finally getting to the point that we liked each.

The moment I got her to actually get her to tell me that she likes me was last week and I told her that I have grown to really look forward to talking to her every day. Yes, that is how I say I like someone lol

So we have been talking for about a week, knowing we like each other so the conversion has upgraded a bit without being too teenage sex obsessed. I've confessed a lot of things that most people ( mainly referring to Cat ) freak out and disappear. She understood. She cared. She shared her own tough story which caused her to move to Camp Hill and I understood her situation and realized how small this world really is.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a story for another day!

We grew really close. Played the 20 Question game ( happy I confess ) and we learned a lot about each other.

Well, her mother is going for surgery tomorrow and she came into her parents house in Clearfield to accompany her mother to the Pittsburgh Hospital.

Which means she will be in the same county. Which also should mean that this should be a great opportunity to relax, have fun and try to move on.

I want this, right? No, I need this! I want to be with her. I want to move on from Jasmine. And ity isn't just because I want someone to trace Jasmine because in reality I know that I can't just replace Janine but I can hope that Candi and I can help each other be better. We are both rebuilding our lives and I am sure this can work.

I want this to work.

I need this to work.

I would love it if this would work because I think I might ... no, can't jinx it lol not yet.

But I am ready. I am so ready to experience Candi in her entirety.