Shouldn't Miss You

So this weekend just ... feels more stressful than it should. So much more stressful than it should. Like nothing has happened that has me specifically stressed. Yea, yesterday was kind of hectic with the all day radio station handling the high school wrestling matches. Even the boys are all gone so I have an Xbox to myself so I played the shit outta the Destiny Demo for my other brothers.

Then .... BOOM! Thoughts of missing someone who I haven't thought about in a long while but saw on my phone almost daily ....

Shiane!

Just out of the blue. And then I went through the pictures I still had on my on my phone of her and I remember the feelings I have got her came rushing back full force.

Maybe this is just me being upset that this weekend I was suppose to send with Jenn D but she disappeared and won't reply to my txt messages or anything.

This is the second month of the year of my New Year's Resolution and even though I haven't put these girls before me, I am still going through them. Hell, I'm even repeating. Both Jenn D and Shiane were on the list of women who walked off.

These people don't deserve me. I'm a hard worker. I actually try to be compassion and loving and understanding. And yet I'm passed up for douche bags and assholes?! Maybe everyone is suing something that I'm not.

This is seriously sad. That's probably why I'm in such a shitty mood. ;(

Tonight, I think I'm gonna force myself to work again. I need my head on straight.

Maybe I do need my meds ...

Things are not okay with Kay

Katelyn ( Kay ) and I had an argument last year. We started arguing about something related to how I treated our friendship. She mentioned something that lead to her saying all I talked to her about was other girls.

When she said that, I was hurt until I went back in our conversations and realized it was true. I did talk a lot about other girls. Not like James talk but about the failed attempts at a friend's/relationship stuff.

I was/am trying to get over Jasmine. Maybe it was how I was trying to not feel like a complete failure and Kay has always been my voice of reason. The grounded voice that told me what I needed to hear. She didn't let me get away with shit but she did it in a way that didn't make me want to smash things. She was my platonic soulmate ( we joked ).

And then/now, I needed guidance. More than just good advice.

And she was yelling at me for trying to move on from Jasmine and telling her about it. I got mad. I slammed in my desk and then tried to calm myself. I looked back and saw that I did talk about other things and I tried to talk to her do many times and she just ... never got back to me.

I told her that I tried to talk to her about other things. My blog ( which I have on my Facebook bio but no one notices luckily ) and my Second Chance Review page and video games and such. Especially Jasmine. I even pointed that I know about what is going on in her life and I comment and like her life events because since I can't be where she is ( she lives in Michigan ). She says she doesn't really even check other people's stuff on Facebook.

We went back and forth until she said she got it out if her system and she was okay. I didn't want to argue anymore and I didn't want to lose my ( platonic ) soulmate so I dropped it too.

Since then, I made a New Year Resolution based upon what we argued about ( worry less about other women and more about me ) and I made her more of an active part of SCR. she became my editor. She didn't like my writers though because she thought they ... were horrible writers.

And that was okay with me. She was so much better at writing than most people I knew. She had multiple fanfics with a big fan base so she had to be good at catching what I miss grammar wise and maybe help fix it towards the direction I wanted it to go.

But she, like, reviewed like two and I've had to kind of go over the rest in a mad dash before the 3pm deadline on Friday. Well either today or yesterday I mentioned that I needed a review and she was on top of it with a review of the Darkest of Days. I was so happy.

And with the new direction I want to take with SCR I wanted her to post it on the Facebook page and group of SCR and suddenly she had no time and she seemed annoyed.

I don't know what I do that asks people do much but if my ( platonic ) soulmate is asked with me ... maybe I'm doing life wrong

Dark Horse

So I've been seeing someone ... well, not really seeing anyone because it isn't official or anything.

Okay, let me start over. I knew a woman who taught me how to cook and clean and other daily activities that I had troubles with when I started living by myself. She was so cool and everything and she was so supportive. I considered her a great friend. I even invited her to the last birthday party that I attended.

Candi ( potential GF? )

She didn't show up and that was around the time Jasmine and I were ding better and nothing else matters. Nothing else at all. Not my smoking habit or my meds or going to my support group or even my friends. Nothing mattered because I was improving my family, Jasmine and Xavier.

Because of my dedication to something that already failed before it started, I had to "go away".

Now being back, James has made a campaign to get me hooked up with different women. Some were ridiculously outrageous or even out of my league. Others were simply not interested and others simply did not interest me personally. And there were a few that started off great and I was really excited about. Like Jennay and Shiane and Lacey and even Kayla and Jeska, but they all failed me. They were so stuck on themselves when I needed someone to be there for me as a friend and a partner.

My good friend, Frosty, who James has had a huge crush on, told me that I was comparing every girl to the idea I have out on a pedestal of Jasmine at her best in my mind and that is "not only unrealistic and impossible because that Jasmine isn't and probably never was the real Jasmine but also that means that you haven't let her go or moved on. Is that right for the next girl?"

Upon this revelation I ended James's Woman Search Project do I could move on. Concentrated on my own life and such. I started to get rid of people on my Facebook profile and phone contacts. Less fake people to focus on the people that actually meant something to me.

Candi was someone who survived the First Round of Elimination and I started talking to people, including her, to let them know that I cared about their lives ( something dad seems to feel is pointless ). Some replied while others didn't which made it easier to decide who wouldn't make it past Round Two.

I found myself talking to Candi often. Liking pictures and posts and making comments and what not. Enjoying the interaction because she would actually reply and talk back with some sense. I was enjoying myself with her.

One day, she posted that she was in a relationship to show her respect and everything. I talked her later and found out she did that to make her ex leave her alone. Something in me got excited and we started talking more personally. Dancing around but finally getting to the point that we liked each.

The moment I got her to actually get her to tell me that she likes me was last week and I told her that I have grown to really look forward to talking to her every day. Yes, that is how I say I like someone lol

So we have been talking for about a week, knowing we like each other so the conversion has upgraded a bit without being too teenage sex obsessed. I've confessed a lot of things that most people ( mainly referring to Cat ) freak out and disappear. She understood. She cared. She shared her own tough story which caused her to move to Camp Hill and I understood her situation and realized how small this world really is.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is a story for another day!

We grew really close. Played the 20 Question game ( happy I confess ) and we learned a lot about each other.

Well, her mother is going for surgery tomorrow and she came into her parents house in Clearfield to accompany her mother to the Pittsburgh Hospital.

Which means she will be in the same county. Which also should mean that this should be a great opportunity to relax, have fun and try to move on.

I want this, right? No, I need this! I want to be with her. I want to move on from Jasmine. And ity isn't just because I want someone to trace Jasmine because in reality I know that I can't just replace Janine but I can hope that Candi and I can help each other be better. We are both rebuilding our lives and I am sure this can work.

I want this to work.

I need this to work.

I would love it if this would work because I think I might ... no, can't jinx it lol not yet.

But I am ready. I am so ready to experience Candi in her entirety.