Just do it MYSELF

Do yesterday, I was extremely frustrated. Partially from not having cigarettes, partially from Harley doing what she always seems to do, partially from not having time for my own thing because I'm doing mom and dad's thing. Not one thing but many.

And dad wanted me to drive up to Nan s place because he wanted to see a relative that he hasn't seen in a while. I was annoyed and tired and frustrated. But he kept bitching do I went with him but he drove.

On the way, he started his spew on how he doesn't believe that I would be able to get my son back unless I am with then. Saying that this society and world's mindset isn't in my favor. A black Nan with a history of violence and mental health issue will not have much of a way time trying to get him son back. But that being in this family, they will see that I have a support system.

I tried to echoes how I didn't think that mattered because of the good work I've done so far. The agencies that work with me and the progress I've been making since I've been out should be plenty to show that I'm on the right path of progress.

Then he pulled out "and where did you do all this progress at? Our house." Catch 22. Stuck from all directions.

And the conversation was frustrating to say the least. Especially with him saying "we need to speak reality and not fantasy", referring to my life, my world, my thoughts and opinion as fantasy, was pissing me off extremely.

Honestly, what I got from that conversation is that I'm relying too much on this family. It is starting to sound like what Spencer was thinking about when it came to the Lost Original's situation and family. That they wanted to use him for some reason. That he couldn't escape. Not until MAD gave him the escape he needed from this world ... and ours.

I cannot let that happen to me. If I leave, it'll be by my terms. If I fail, it will be by my terms. Fantasy or not! I rather repeat the process a million times and eventually succeed in my terms rather than easily succeed due to someone else.

I don't want to put do much reliance on other TOW people. That is what happened when it came to Jasmine. And I was so dependant that when I finally lost her, I lost it.

I have to set a date to leave. With or without their blessing.

Enough people hate me in this world. And if this family hates me for wanting to advance in my own life ... then so be it.

Favoritism Wins Everytime

So ever since dad knew me, he knew I would love to work security anywhere. I did it a few times in Clarion and I loved it! Mostly basement bands and parties that required cover charges.

Hell, I met my first love, Amanda, when I was bouncing.

But yesterday, I was resting on the couch while he was talking to CJ about getting him some sort of certificate or permission or whatever so that he can start bouncing at some place or another with Bobby.

First off, WHAT THE FUCK?! I bust my ass here on a daily to make things work. I help mom with laundry, dishes, trash and three fucking dogs that I hate. I don't do that because I love doing things that I hate, I do that cuz I live here and I pull my weight and I care about these TOWians. Same fucking reason why I go to work and bust my fucking ass with/for dad either at the station or wherever he needs me without pay or compensation. Because I fucking care. And it is the same reason I drive the boys to places they want/need to go. I pull my weight around here that rivals the head of household and ... I get passed over for a dream job that I would have loved because CJ and Bobby are his sons even though it is usually a struggle to get them to do much of anything! And they are arrogant and ignorant and over confident. They would be perfect for fucking it up.

And me with my social anxiety problem would not be an issue because I don't have to socialize. I have to regulate. I have to tell people to pay before they enter. I have to control situations before they become a problem. I would have to be the presence of the result of acting a fool at our establishment. I am trustworthy and dedicated and focused.

Not them.

I push myself to prove themselves and they ... they couldn't give two shits because they know that if they ask ( or don't ask ) they'll get what they want.

I can't even get a fucking room to myself and they get a upper duplex to themselves.

If this isn't bullshit, then I don't know or even understand what would classify as that.