What I Am Responsible For

I cannot pinpoint what day this happened. In the past 30 days I am sure.

It had something to do with me and mom arguing again. I am sure he won't remember. He barely remembers much of anything that is actually important. Where he leaves things. Appointments that he has. Work schedules or even events that isn't work related.

Whilst spitting some "holier, wiser, smart and better than thou" bullspit, he goes "no wonder your wife left". He said it so quickly and moved on to the next thing he was bitching/griping/complaining about something ( yes it started with me and mom debating or potentially bumping heads about something ).

Like I said, he probably won't ever remember saying it or if he does, he'll half-assly say he 'very well might have said it', or something weak like that.

This is where he is. He is always right. Even when he is wrong he is right. He angers me so much. He disgusts me so much. Not before, but when Simon showed me how manipulative he is, especially to those in the house, I want to puke when I think about it all.

So why am I still here. Why didnt I leave then when he said what he said ( obviously to hurt me )?

Sue, Tyler and Nakoma.
Because of L ... LaFall. It is the least I can do for what happened. What I am responsible for.

We'd Leave the Greater to Suffer for the Few

Sue is starting to actually have dreams of LaFall alive rather than dead like that night of the car wreck in August 2012. She said that she had a dream last night where everyone was on some sort of vacation and they kept changing the rooms on her after everyone got settled. After the 5th move, she got frustrated and asked why they kept moving us. They ( or Chuck ) told her that there was something in the rooms and if she stayed there for too long then she would want to stay.

So Sue, in the dream, got everyone preoccupied and started to snoop around in the room and found a closest in which she and her kids had whenever they were younger. They would use to hid in the closest when they were younger .... and Sue thoughts she heard something in this closet that magically appear.

She opens the door and LaFall jumps up. Then she asks Sue to not leave her. Then Chuck comes in and starts to pull her away from this LaFall.

Sue told me this dream she had last night ... and she told me she would leave all of us to stay with her.

Chuck and Sue translate all of that into Sue not forgiving herself for the death of LaFall. I see it that Sue is one more step closer to seeing that death is the ultimate choice to be with LaFall.

I want to be made that she would leave all of us in a heartbeat for LaFall. 6-7 ( 3 hers and 3-4 dad's depending on if she can tolerate Lynnanne or not that day )s children. 1 Husband. Friends and Family. House. Home. Better life. But obviously all of that means nothing without LaFall.

But I cannot be that angry. I would slaughter all of them if I knew I could rewind time and get my family back. If I could get back Jasmine and Xavier. When we were a good family.

Because the 'alive dream' that Sue just got, I have had ever since July 27th of 2014. Every night ... save a few.

I hope some angel or demon never comes to both me and Sue with the same offer of sacrifice to get what we truly desire. We share that pain and hurt and carry it with us every day ... but it isn't the same ... and she'll never notice.

She barely notices the change now.

I am the NoBody that gets Blamed for Everything

I hate living with people. Why? Because of my morale and personal ethic, I do a lot. I see something needs to be done, I tend to do it unless someone else can do it better or I am busy with something else.

However, in this household, Dad ( Chuck ) finds it comical to say that random things are my fault. He finds it funny. But it is funny at my expense. Hence why I find it annoying ... and another reason I hate living with people.

1 other person, very doable, especially when I pick them through a list of candidates. But not a bunch of people with so many different personalities, needs, wants and agendas.

So it is annoying that when something is done wrong and I am involved, not to hate the idea that I am involved in situation that I originally had nothing to do with. Some of that is my fault. The ones I volunteer myself for, completely my fault. The ones that I am recruited to handle, I get pissed when it is only given to me because no one else wants the responsibility. And that includes the person that it is centered around.

Case in point, Josh had work today. Dad asked me about his work schedule. Honestly, I couldn't remember cleanly ( or quickly enough for dad ) to be confident about his answer. Also, since I was in the middle of something else, I am sure that he would have wanted me to go to Josh ( who sleeps until his clock in time ) and ask him, which I hate doing because Josh in the morning makes me want to throw him into the Pit.

Well, luckily for me today, Dad went to ask him and found out that there was a conflict in the schedule. So he recruited me to find Josh a ride ... to his work ... which is about 8 - 10 blocks away. But I went through the assets I have but I do not have any last minute assets set up. Most I ask a few days a head of time. So most of them were either at work already or to have them drive all the way here just to drive Josh 8 - 10 blocks ( and no gas money mind you ) would not only be foolish but also a waste of time.

I ended up asking CJ to find someone. He said that Brandon's friend could do it but we didn't know that until dad had to drive back and pick up Josh for work. CJ even came back to drop off Sadie's fucking dog but couldn't send a text message or leave a note about Brandon being able to do the 10 block drive.

Yet, I get grilled and hassled about knowing and not knowing and getting information wrong and shit. Oh gawd, when they talk like that in front of me ( or even behind my back and I overheard ) I swear I'd burn them all alive if Protocol S wasn't in place.

I am just getting tired of dealing with people ALL THE FUCKING TIME. And I hate even more that I have to deal with other people's bullshit and crap.

And Mom ( Sue ) always asks me why I want to move out?!

I barely own the area I sleep in. And it is annoying. Simon says that they are gonna want everything that they ever gave me back. Saying that they only let me use it. But honestly, I am getting to the point where that will be ok with me.Very few things are keeping me here.

Like L ... and the promise I made to her after what happened.
And Nakoma ... damn imprint

Getting Out of Jail ... Again

It has been a while since I last updated and I have a lot to update.

Well, first off all, Monday, September 14th, I got arrested sometime in the afternoon. It turns out that while I was paying Lynnanne during the 2-3 months I was living with her, not only was she not paying the rent but she was not paying my fines either.

Why was she paying for everything for me? Well, I am on medication ( I have been since ... 2010 or 11 ) and even when I was in jail, they gave me what they could afford ( because the correctional system does their best to pay as little as possible ), but when I got released they refused to give me my meds, telling me to go and get a doctor to subscribe me meds. Well, the medical system works that you have to see a therapist for about a month before you even get to even see the psychiatrist and then you have to wait for things to be approved ( so they know you aren’t abusing stuff ) so the process for that is like 2 months ... and that is after you wait to get insurance and since I don’t have an official job so no insurance for that so I have get welfare health care for the month. And on top of that, the first 2-3 I was in State College, getting things done and then Lynnanne kicked me out for going to the Theory of a Deadman and I moved in with mom ( Sue ) and dad ( Chuck ). So having all that transferred over was a headache and a half whenever you are “right in the head” and without my medication I am not exactly ... always there.

Anyways, she didn’t pay my fines so I was arrested. Luckily, mom was home and she was able to find out what was going on and what needed to be done. Call dad, call my PO and the Judge to see what can be worked out, etc, etc.

Being back in jail wasn’t bad. I didn’t go back to a block. Because they know of my mental health condition and I return without medication, they had to keep me in insolation. But the jail was over filled, so for the first day I was in holding on a mattress and the second day I was in the Multi-Purpose Room ( gym ) and the third day, they put me in Detox ( which is this jail’s isolation room ). I talked to mom on the first visitation day and she broke down that with this particular fine and because the Judge doesn’t seem to care much for me, he wants me to pay the whole amount compared to what is due or making arrangements.

The amount was $560. And it is the middle of the month. No one had that kind of money and I didn’t get paid for another two weeks. I told her that since I spent years in prison time before my last 10 1/2 month incarceration a few months ago, that 2 weeks would a breeze. She said that she and dad would do as much as they can but they have been struggling too. I wasn’t worried. Two weeks and I will have them pay it from my account and I will not have to worry about this particular fine.

The first few days I slept each day, all day. The third or fourth day I was all slept out so I started to talk to the C.O.s that all seem to remember me. I asked for paper and a pen to write and boy did I write! I wrote something of like 10 pages of things that I wanted to do and take care of when I get released on the 1st of September and some other things I wanted to get done by the New Year ( more on that later ).

Anyways, on the 25th of September, a C.O. comes in and tells me to pack my shit. My first response was, “Where am I moving to now?” and he goes “You getting out, man! Home free!” I look at him sideways because this particular CO was the same douche that let me and my old cellie sit in a flooded cell full of shit water for like 2 hours because our toilet clogged and overflew.

I got out to booking and I got them to let me make a phone call so I called Sue because I am sure that she must have had a hand in getting me out a few days earlier than expected. She was happy to hear from me yet she expected me to call today. I asked her how did I get out and she hesitated but she eventually told me ...

My Biological Mother ( BioMom ) paid my fine to get me out.

When I went into jail, dad tried to talk to people ( whom he knew I knew ... which is a fraction from people that “US” know ) and one of them was BioMom. She worked her magic that Spencer says that she has always been good at doing to win over mom and dad ( Chuck and Sue ) and she paid my fine for me to get out.

Was I pissed? Extremely. And when dad came to pick me up, I let him know that he shouldn’t have done that and that there could be consequences to this action. He tried to have me explain how I felt and I tried to explain the little I know from my “brothers” and from what was on the files that have been gathered over the years on the Biologicals. He was reasonable. Not saying that I was wrong or lying but that there could be some misconception and misunderstanding since the woman on the phone with them who claimed to be BioMom was nice and educated and seemed to be a caring mother who misses the prodigal son.

I almost feel for it until Spencer recalled his experience and the experience of the others. It is hard pressed who to believe because my brothers have always been there for me and rarely ever lead me astray. But I have picked my family. Hopefully this one lasts longer than the last one ...

Also, I know where my concentration has to be. I have to work on me for the next few months until after the New Years. A lot has to happen and I have to work on it - priority number one right now.

The good thing is that Dad said that he is glad that everything worked out the way it did because Nakoma ( Sue’s Daughter so my Little Sister ) ‘s birthday was today. Dad said that she told them that “No matter what you do for my birthday, it means nothing since Nick isn’t here!” so they didn’t tell her that I am coming home to be a surprise to her. That seriously made me the happiest person alive, no doubt.

So I came home, surprised her and we parties in the back yard with a few of her friends and Dad’s bosses, Michael and Diana. We had pizza and cake and soda and all kinds of stuff that breaks my diet and whatnot but it was worth it after a week and a half of jail food!

The Difference Between Her and Me

So my dad,  Chuck,  told me that when Jasmine sent me to jail she immediately trIed to sell all my stuff.  Everything from my consoles and games to my car.  She even had a list of things to take which includes my bank cards and shit.

How can someone I tried to put everything into,  someone who I have sacrificed everything into,  try to destroy and take everything from me. She destroyed or marriage,  took my son,  and then she tried to take everything from me.

What is worse ... I've been searching for her online.  I know I shouldn't because of the PFA but I wasn't contracting her.  Just saying how she and Xavier are doing.

But what I saw broke my heart further.  She claimed that she was in a "life threatening marriage". A life threatening marriage?  I never hurt her.  I never raise a hand against her or my son.  Even when she told me she was doing AJ I was so mad that I hurt myself.

Yes! I tried to kill myself.  I took the only knife we owned and I proceeded to cut myself.  My wrists.  My chest.  My neck.  I wanted to die because the woman of my life, the woman who I chose over anyone else, the mother of my first child,  didn't just Fuck around but blatantly had no love or respect or anything for me.  I was worthless to the woman who I tried to give everything to. I felt worthless.  I felt worse than abandoned.  I felt ... like a was nothing.  At the time, that very instant, I felt that without her I couldn't be anyone.  I couldn't be a father some I must have failed horribly as a husband. 

Life wasn't worth living anymore because of what she did.

And she felt like she was in a life threatening marriage?! What in the world did I do to deserve to be treated do horrible.  To No longer be loved it respected.  To be destroyed and left with nothing.

And you want to know what the worst part is?  The most disgusting part of all of this?

If she came to me and apologized and said she wanted her family together again ... that she wanted me to come back ... I wouldn't skip a beat to come back to her.  I would welcome here back with open arms and a husband mentality.  Why?  Because I am a fool.  A stupid stupid fool I'm love ... because I love her.  I love her so so much still. 

I still look at her picture ( both the old ones on my Facebook and the ones I still have and the new ones online ) and the pieces of my broken heart swell and scream for her.  For her love and affection and her touch and get compassion.

Kay would say that I love the image I have of her but not the real her. Maybe she is right nut I don't know.

My biological mother said that she felt so sorry for what happened and that she still cared for me.  Chuck said that Jasmine called him first when it happened and the story explained to him by her was that of a man who broke and tried to end his life because she created on her husband for over a year.  Not I'm a nagging way but in an apologetic way. 

But there is a video ( a video I can't bring myself to see ) that said a different story.  That spoke of hatred and disgust in me and pride and what she did ... in everything she did.

Gawd I don't know what to feel.  I'm ... I don't know.  I want to die again.  I die a little inside when people tell me what she was doing.  So called friends knew but didn't tell me or maybe I was so blinded by my love for her not to see it or believe in what they were saying.  Jenn, AJ 's sister even told me that she was giving Jake too.  Fuck my heart ... I want s knife.  I want to cut out the pieces of my fucking heart so I don't feel this anymore.  I hate how this feels. I never want to feel this again!

And Jasmine doesn't skip a fucking beat.  She dates.  Sees other men.  Probably has Xavier call them dad!

Fuck Fuck Fuck i hate this so much.

Lesser of two EVILS

I'm kinda sick between a rock and a hard place. I've been meaning to move outta Lynn's for a while. I want to trust her husband Josh that sometimes acts like my friend but goes to her with everything I say in "guy confidence". And Bridget is a complete and utter bitch! She is gonna be the reason I go back to jail. And Lynn...oh my gawd, Lynn is a different issue all together.

All together, being with Lynn and crew isn't doing me any better mentally. That and I really don't have much money to myself because Lynn tells me that I owe her like "so much money". If I don't get out soon then I'm stuck for a long while.

And then there is my second option which is with Lynn's father and my adopted dad Chuck. He couldn't duo much for me while I was I jail because He wasn't allowed by the warden but he's always been available when I called on him. Whenever him or his now wife Sue and their kids heard my cry they came to help every time. However they are in the hole too because of some unforeseen situations and they'll ask for money too but as long as it isn't Sue directly asking I'll be able too say bio for the most part.

But something negative, personal and private happened between these two factors of my life and things got intense. The situation deflated a bit but there is still tension. One side does not want to see the other and I'm I the middle and I hate it! Lynn its making me choose either Team Lynn or Team Chuck and it kills me.

What's worse? Tomorrow is the Theory of a Deadman concert is tomorrow and I already planned a date for it with Natasha. Nothing serious just friends. My eyes are still on SunShine. But Natasha seems to love Theory so I might as well bring her right.

But my ride was Chuck and if I can't talk to him then I can't get him to pick us up for the concert. And fuck if Bridget is gonna let me use her car after me still sitting on the fence between this Lynn vs Chuck thing.

Grrr Bullshit! Utter Bullshit!