Just do it MYSELF

Do yesterday, I was extremely frustrated. Partially from not having cigarettes, partially from Harley doing what she always seems to do, partially from not having time for my own thing because I'm doing mom and dad's thing. Not one thing but many.

And dad wanted me to drive up to Nan s place because he wanted to see a relative that he hasn't seen in a while. I was annoyed and tired and frustrated. But he kept bitching do I went with him but he drove.

On the way, he started his spew on how he doesn't believe that I would be able to get my son back unless I am with then. Saying that this society and world's mindset isn't in my favor. A black Nan with a history of violence and mental health issue will not have much of a way time trying to get him son back. But that being in this family, they will see that I have a support system.

I tried to echoes how I didn't think that mattered because of the good work I've done so far. The agencies that work with me and the progress I've been making since I've been out should be plenty to show that I'm on the right path of progress.

Then he pulled out "and where did you do all this progress at? Our house." Catch 22. Stuck from all directions.

And the conversation was frustrating to say the least. Especially with him saying "we need to speak reality and not fantasy", referring to my life, my world, my thoughts and opinion as fantasy, was pissing me off extremely.

Honestly, what I got from that conversation is that I'm relying too much on this family. It is starting to sound like what Spencer was thinking about when it came to the Lost Original's situation and family. That they wanted to use him for some reason. That he couldn't escape. Not until MAD gave him the escape he needed from this world ... and ours.

I cannot let that happen to me. If I leave, it'll be by my terms. If I fail, it will be by my terms. Fantasy or not! I rather repeat the process a million times and eventually succeed in my terms rather than easily succeed due to someone else.

I don't want to put do much reliance on other TOW people. That is what happened when it came to Jasmine. And I was so dependant that when I finally lost her, I lost it.

I have to set a date to leave. With or without their blessing.

Enough people hate me in this world. And if this family hates me for wanting to advance in my own life ... then so be it.

The Definition of Insanity ... Women

It had been a while since I've typed last on my own blog. Been busy. I'll make another post about that later.

For now, we'll talk about Harley.

She got a hold of me again. Honey words of how sorry she is and how she is a victim of circumstance. And I'm not sure if it is because I understand how circumstances can control a person's life or if it is because I'm foolish enough to think there is an actual but I agreed to give her another chance.

Spencer already washed his hands from trying to give me advice on what I should do ( more like complain ... no, more like bitch about how not just woken but TOWian women are not worth anyone's time ). However, I can feel his disapproval.

Regardless, I restarted our relationship ( for the third time ). I know that this is one strong way to get over Jasmine and feel like I have someone in this world that I could spend on.

However, the first weekend, I suggested we do something. Silly me to think that she would be available to do it. But it was different. She actually told me she couldn't because of a legit reason ... and she kept in touch with me the whole weekend through text messages and phone calls.

That, ladies and gentlemen, I'd what I like to call effort. I understand life happens. I am the king of understanding how life happens. But when life happens, you inform those important in your life of life happening. That is effort and that is really all I want. Someone who considers me as much as I consider them to inform me of what they are up to and to make me an active part of their life.

So I planned to pick her up for my boss of Magnum Broadcasting's 50th birthday. It was gonna be a social and business party kind of thing and I figured that I know just keep things in check and she can she exactly hour busy of a guy I am. So she sees that I do try hard I'm everything I do.

She actually was able to come. Flight incident with Tobias ( and potentially James ) but she was understanding of what I do for my family and work ( which tends to be intertwined ).

She even met a local celebrity, a guy named Tyson who does a paranormal show for Magnum. She was too shy to go up to him do I got his autograph for her. And then he personally came over to give us a few ticket to his next "haunting investigation".

To say the least, Harley was swooning from the experience and they fact I did that for her.

I convinced mom and dad ( yea in my 30s I have to convince my parents ) to let her stay the night. It was nice. I allowed myself to be vulnerable. I felt she was too.

Slight problem taking her home with the parents but I realized I have to find a better way to define myself and what I want.

The remainder of the week, she had been very forward about seeing me again. Of actually being with me. I suggested we go to the haunting investigation but that she should spend the night again as well. She seemed all for it ...

Until Friday morning, the day I was going to come pick her up. She said she had to be at work a few hours after the haunting investigation and didn't want to burden me with it. I told her that it would not be a burden at all and that I would make arrangements. Then after work on Friday, she said she had a lot to do on that day. I asked if we could find a way to work together and figure out what to do.

She doesn't reply for several hours. And when she does, she sent me a picture of a shirt saying that it would be cute to have.

I told her I was disappointed and upset that she keeps trying to find ways to not see me.

And that was the last communication we had since last night. But if she doesn't say something by tomorrow night, I'm done with her. I care for her ... a lot! But I have to value myself and my time and effort. I cannot be with someone who does not value me.

Paris told me that if people don't value and my time then why should I value them or theirs. Come Sunday if I don't hear back from her the I'm blocking her on social media and blocking her number from messaging me.

Honestly, at this point, I'm just tired if the constant bullshit from women. Virtually everyone at this point. This is ridiculous.

New Over Old

It has been a very long while since I have updated on this thing. Not because I haven't wanted to because I do a lot. Just not so much time. With being with this adopted family, a few things comes with it that are both benefits and set backs.

Since 'dad' works for Magnum Broadcasting ( radio station that has 6 stations under this one title ). Dad works on all of them but mainly the one near us ( Real Country 1260 ) and the one in State College ( QWIK Rock 105.7 ). Him and the boss of the company are like best friends. They talk about personal stuff and they rely on each other heavily. It is great to see great friends work together.

Luckily, dad seems to have a lot on his plate and I have a lot to try to get rid of in my head and since self harm isn't a practice looked favorably here, working myself to exhaustion ( pass or fail, success or complete fuck-up ). I work myself so hard because when I do I don't think of Jasmine or my son.

However, Spencer says that they take advantage of that. That they rely on me so much that if I am to leave then that this family would fail. And since he is in the committee, he does plan on U.S. leaving this family. he says we have things to do.

And I agree but ... I don't know. I get angry at them a lot and they disappoint me often but that is understandable, according to M.A.D. He says that people ( especially T.O.W. people ) are not perfect and most then to settle in that ideal and stay there rather than accept it as a possible outcome for trying.

But I do tend to do a lot. A few weeks ago, Dad needed my help with a Man Expo ( an Expo for everything masculine country ) and I was running around the place! Trying not to stay in one place too long or else James would get all chit chatty or flirty or too friendly. I ran from place to place to move things and check if anyone needed help or direction. Igor ( Uncle Larry and Auntie Shelly's new adopted kid from the Ukraine ) was extremely useful. I feel that he has had the same background that I had but came out better, granted a little more damaged than most would like to see.

But I worked myself so hard. And even though I worked myself to exhaustion within the 1st hour ( to the point where everyone who I went to look for something to do, just annoyingly politely sent me away ), that I injured myself. Spencer says that it was a Charlie Horse from physically quickly turning from one task to another that my thighs decided that it was enough. He claimed that it should go away but after laying in the kitchen on the floor waiting for it to go away ( keep in mind that many people came around and saw me on the ground and did nothing ), I got annoyed doing nothing and just waiting. So I crawled to a counter and grabbed a fork and stabbed myself on the opposite side of the thigh.

Now, you should be asking why and that is understandable if you didn't know my upbringing. When I was with Seth, he was always kind of a dick and hard ass about training but there was this one time where I realized how ... 'intense' he was/is.

I was tired of running for morning routine to which I can relate to military PT in T.O.W. and I told Seth that I was tired of running. He then 'hurt' my legs and asked which was more painful? The old pain or the new pain? I replied the new one. Then he asked if I felt the old pain. I said, no. Then he made me finish morning routine or else he would keep giving me new pain that would make me forget about the previous old pain.

I guess, I took from that, if you give yourself new pain, you would forget the old pain. I think I do that with the work ( work - new pain, Jasmine - old pain ). And this situation, since I knew I had to keep going or else me laying on the ground in pain would eventually allow my heart ( or whatever ) to think of Jasmine. I had to avoid that. So I did.

I finished the tasks I had to do, limping the rest of the day but pushing myself to make myself finish the task infront of me.

Dad found out. He hasn't asked me to go to any other event since then. I still do stuff at home though. I still find stuff to do, break or fix, success or fail, good or bad. Anything to .. not to experience the pain of losing Jasmine.

One of Those Nights

Nights like this, where I wake up in they middle of the night, where I gaff no work to do and I do not want to wake anyone with trying to do choirs at 4 in the morning, I am left with my thoughts.

And my thoughts almost always goes back to Jasmine. Sometimes, I try to push my mind to the bloodbath of my younger stages of life but I dose some ghosts work harder to haunt.

Before, when I had a bad day or a bad dream, I'd wake up to Jasmine next to me sometimes and I'd just cuddle myself to hee and quietly cry. Just to get it out. But then I'd smile because I had her to release to. Granted, she probably never know because she would be sleeping but a lot of times, her personality, my love for her, our family, they all kept the demons out for me. And when they got in, just her existence of someone so compassion and love and understanding ... made me feel that ... a monster like me can still be loved.

I no longer have that.

When I moved in here, I wanted to return the favor of them taking me in. But ... I'm starting to feel like a servant. A slave. A favored slave out of  one but still a slave that isn't allowed to leave.

I think ... Spencer knows they need me ... butt it isn't the same as being loved. Of loving. Like with Jasmine. And I've tried finding someone, anyone else, but I swear they see they monster and leaves.

Mom says I try too hard ... but what is to hard when it comes to saving your own life?

Maybe I just need to do something before morning choirs at 7. Maybe ... I need to do something. A pain that might dull the pain of her leaving me like Todd.

Favoritism Wins Everytime

So ever since dad knew me, he knew I would love to work security anywhere. I did it a few times in Clarion and I loved it! Mostly basement bands and parties that required cover charges.

Hell, I met my first love, Amanda, when I was bouncing.

But yesterday, I was resting on the couch while he was talking to CJ about getting him some sort of certificate or permission or whatever so that he can start bouncing at some place or another with Bobby.

First off, WHAT THE FUCK?! I bust my ass here on a daily to make things work. I help mom with laundry, dishes, trash and three fucking dogs that I hate. I don't do that because I love doing things that I hate, I do that cuz I live here and I pull my weight and I care about these TOWians. Same fucking reason why I go to work and bust my fucking ass with/for dad either at the station or wherever he needs me without pay or compensation. Because I fucking care. And it is the same reason I drive the boys to places they want/need to go. I pull my weight around here that rivals the head of household and ... I get passed over for a dream job that I would have loved because CJ and Bobby are his sons even though it is usually a struggle to get them to do much of anything! And they are arrogant and ignorant and over confident. They would be perfect for fucking it up.

And me with my social anxiety problem would not be an issue because I don't have to socialize. I have to regulate. I have to tell people to pay before they enter. I have to control situations before they become a problem. I would have to be the presence of the result of acting a fool at our establishment. I am trustworthy and dedicated and focused.

Not them.

I push myself to prove themselves and they ... they couldn't give two shits because they know that if they ask ( or don't ask ) they'll get what they want.

I can't even get a fucking room to myself and they get a upper duplex to themselves.

If this isn't bullshit, then I don't know or even understand what would classify as that.