The Struggle Contines

So I have spoken of the girl that I liked, Shiane, right? Well, I wrote her a message saying that I miss her and that I hope that she is having fun at college. I said that I look forward to her continuing contact after 1-2 weeks of radio silence and that I know that she is gonna meet a lot of friends in college but that I hope she doesn't forget that she loves me and everything.

Her response is this:

Hi! ^///^ I am thinking of you and this was the nicest thing ever sent to me. ^-^ it is eventful and no I don't have a boyfriend, although I will say I have met someone I wish would let me get  closer to, but all well. ^-^ I miss and love you too.

James says that that screams "Friend-Zone" Love like a blowhorn, so ... yea, another rejection of something that I tried really hard to succeed in. Maybe this woman thing isn't for me.

Yet, James got two women revealing that they have secretly always liked me ... us ... complicated but yeah. James is like a Cj in the sense that he always gets the ladies and when James gets the ladies then he tends to lead them in my direction. Probably why they never seem to work out much for me, since I don't get them myself. But it isn't like I have much of anyone knocking down my door to get to me. I have mentioned a few that have turned me down but trust me when I saw that there is a lot more than just those that I have mention. Like: Dawn and Natasha and Jess and Samantha just to name a few. I think that Ashley is on the fence but to tell you the truth I wasn't the interested in moving that forward more than just a friendship. Is that how all the other girls feel about me? Then how does James ... nevermind.

Anyways, the two women that recently told of their secret interest in me are:

Chantell and Marsha

Marsha isn't exactly my type. James tried to "tap" that but she turned him down the same reason Dawn did ... we both are black and they have had bad experience with black guys. But now she is separating from her husband and I guess is spreading out her options. She is currently fucking around with this Jordan guy but I am not worried about it. My head isn't in that one.

Chantell though is a different story. Kind of a hood rat but still ... idk ... I really don't remember much of her other than there was a great interest in her. She is pretty ... at least to me she is. And she has a mind of her own which is a great quality to have in a woman in my honest opinion. We ( actually me and her ) talked yesterday and we really connected. She confessed that she thought highly of me ( my own qualities ... not getting it confused with James' ) and I confessed my interest in her ( even though I think that she knows that she already knew from back then ). We talked about relationship guidelines ( yea not only am i that kinda guy but she is that kinda girl ) and all but we didn't declare anything. I rather have something like that said at least once so I am not thinking something that isn't.

I don't know though. James suggests that I spread my eggs in more than one basket but I do see the danger in that. It isn't like I am running a biological clock. I just hate being alone at the time. And yet I am not being completely up front about everything about me: like the jail thing and the MH disorders. Not exactly the best thing to put forward.

I don't know. Should I even be doing this?

Today I caught myself searching for Jasmine again. Looking and loving Xavier's pictures and hoping to see a glimpse of Jasmine that wasn't so ... extreme.

Jasmine

And then I was silly enough to try to look into the profiles of the biological mother and that upset me a little. A mixture of past unknown anger and ... guilt maybe? IDK. Stupid moves, really. I need ot leave things in the past. I should drop all these past people and disappear again.

I'll probably do that whenever I get enough money to run.

"Run you clever little boy, run!" - Clara Oswin Oswald - Doctor Who

Sibling Status - CJ

I don't know what I am feeling today. Today I am feeling ... angry. I have to stop feeling angry because being emotional is what got me sent to jail this time around. This feeling and the thinking that comes afterwards.

Today, CJ ( my brother from the 4th adopted family ) likes fucking with me. Mostly because the last time we wrestled I didn't end up on top before we had to stop. It angers me that I lost and I want to fight him again. But I don't want to ... I fight dirty whenever I feel I need to win. Because even though winning isn't everything ... it is the only thing to matters? Why?

Losing meaning future teasing because I believe that CJ is a bully at heart. Not a major bully. I low level one. A bully that people like. Not a bully that beats up the small guy but a guy that fucks with people mostly because he can. That's a bully, right? "Low level" is the term that the Professor uses.

Now don't get me wrong, he is still my brother and I still love him like I love all ( most ) of my families members that I have ever lived with. I just see him ... no maybe I am confused again. I get confused with this "normal" living. I feel like a TOW verteran trying to intergrate himself back into society without taking out personal targets as his own personal militiant.

No, I have to realize that that my experience doesn't neccesarily count as experience here. My past trauma ( aside from the one experienced with Jasmine ) won't be considered as relevant. So I have to get over it.

So all in all, I have to not get into a fight with CJ or anyone else ... even though it would make me feel good but it would make the situation that I live with more difficult. Okay let's say that I lose to CJ then it just gets worse but if I "win" then I'll be seen as a threat and danger rather than the nice, gullible, weak guy that they think I am. God, this sucks. I have to either find a way to be assertive without seeming like a push over bitch or I sit in the status of being a push over bitch.

God, today is not a good day is it ...

Privately Trying on Seeking Woman

Ok so against my better judgement, James convinces me that with Jasmine moving on from day one that I've spent enough time mourning my failed marriage and that I have to get back on the market.

Now I am bad at the whole dating thing. I suck at remembering dates and always keeping the other in mind when I have so much that I myself I want to do.  But that doesn't mean that I don't want to have someone along side me helping me and me helping them go through life.  Does that make sense? Probably not but I know that I don't want to be alone. I like cuddling, sharing, talking and such.  James is my personal Karma Sutra and he is giving me pointers and, honestly, as important as sex is in a relationship,  I find it more of an annoying choir. Luckily James is a pro in the field and he helps with what I lack.

However, I think that our conflicting interests are starting to cause issues.  Each day I find more people on my social medias whom I don't know and some of the people that I do know are getting the wrong ideas.

However, me, myself didn't have a clue on what to do. There was this girl, Lacy, an old friend, who found me when I came back into civilization and confessed that she had looked me for years. We went on a relaxation date and things were great. We kissed. We cuddled. We talked, joked and laughed. I felt comfortable again. We planned to hang out in the middle of the week.

The middle of the week came and went and nothing. Some excuse or another and then we planned for her to come over and hang out. However, the weekend came and she told me that since she just came out of a bad relationship that maybe she wasn't ready for one with me.

I was understanding.  I might have been willing to venture into moving on but maybe we were moving fast. We agreed that we wouldn't date but that we should still talk as friends. However she would never text first or return text.  Soon she became a memory and I moved on with life.

A few weeks ago she messaged me on Facebook after the "Theory of a Deadman" concert, saying she was there with her new boyfriend Mike. Yes. Another rejection.

James pats me on the back and tells me there are others.  He mentions how my adopted brother Bobby's girlfriend was very nice to us ... when knowing about mostly everything.  I always thOught of her as my personal therapist and James says that the best relationships happen between already established friends ( my paraphrasing ).

So I started talking to her more.  Asking her how she is, what's up with her day, tell me more about yourself, etc. etc. Eventually we bonded and confessed that there might be something there.  Even something as crazy as love. But she said that she didn't want to hurt me or that she didn't want me to hurt her Cuz she is still feeling the sting from when Bobby dumped her. I told her that I didn't want to be strung along until something "better" came around and she seemed to understand.  But she is going to college at the end of August so there is that and I remember college. Not exactly as place to try to keep a LDR working at.  She might surprise me and come back still interested ... but James tells me that if I weren't able to get her before she left, them she is pretty much lost.

Slightly devastated from yet another failure, James claimed that what I needed was a confidence boost. So we traveled to Clearfield for a few days to see a few people and help out others.  Remember that weekend where I helped Danny move his stuff into the U Haul?  Yea what I didn't mention was that James was also trying to see some of his prospects. People I necessarily didn't feel a relationship with them would have been beneficial to me, yet I still consider them friends because they have helped in previous chapters of my life.

Well to say the least, James had no such restraints.

After that week I felt drained and even more confused and depressed and my situation and my thoughts kept coming back to Jasmine. Haunted constantly by her. James doesn't have these problems but sadly I do.

And I don't ... or do I? I mean I can't let it go but I know that I have to eventually let her go because she dropped me like a hot plate.

But recently I've kind of been talking to a female, as a friend only.  Her name is Karla.  She is smart, intelligent, determined and a lot of the qualities that I myself have and value. I talk to her as a friend. And I enjoy the companionship in a way. 

James, on the other hand, has continued on with his activities since we both have such different values that we are searching for. The phone constantly going off and what not. It seems annoying to deal with it but he is my brother and I am stuck with him until the end.

Oh, Just a thought ... if I'm stuck with all my brothers then how am I took have a relationship.  I'll have to give one of them the boot ...

The Difference Between Her and Me

So my dad,  Chuck,  told me that when Jasmine sent me to jail she immediately trIed to sell all my stuff.  Everything from my consoles and games to my car.  She even had a list of things to take which includes my bank cards and shit.

How can someone I tried to put everything into,  someone who I have sacrificed everything into,  try to destroy and take everything from me. She destroyed or marriage,  took my son,  and then she tried to take everything from me.

What is worse ... I've been searching for her online.  I know I shouldn't because of the PFA but I wasn't contracting her.  Just saying how she and Xavier are doing.

But what I saw broke my heart further.  She claimed that she was in a "life threatening marriage". A life threatening marriage?  I never hurt her.  I never raise a hand against her or my son.  Even when she told me she was doing AJ I was so mad that I hurt myself.

Yes! I tried to kill myself.  I took the only knife we owned and I proceeded to cut myself.  My wrists.  My chest.  My neck.  I wanted to die because the woman of my life, the woman who I chose over anyone else, the mother of my first child,  didn't just Fuck around but blatantly had no love or respect or anything for me.  I was worthless to the woman who I tried to give everything to. I felt worthless.  I felt worse than abandoned.  I felt ... like a was nothing.  At the time, that very instant, I felt that without her I couldn't be anyone.  I couldn't be a father some I must have failed horribly as a husband. 

Life wasn't worth living anymore because of what she did.

And she felt like she was in a life threatening marriage?! What in the world did I do to deserve to be treated do horrible.  To No longer be loved it respected.  To be destroyed and left with nothing.

And you want to know what the worst part is?  The most disgusting part of all of this?

If she came to me and apologized and said she wanted her family together again ... that she wanted me to come back ... I wouldn't skip a beat to come back to her.  I would welcome here back with open arms and a husband mentality.  Why?  Because I am a fool.  A stupid stupid fool I'm love ... because I love her.  I love her so so much still. 

I still look at her picture ( both the old ones on my Facebook and the ones I still have and the new ones online ) and the pieces of my broken heart swell and scream for her.  For her love and affection and her touch and get compassion.

Kay would say that I love the image I have of her but not the real her. Maybe she is right nut I don't know.

My biological mother said that she felt so sorry for what happened and that she still cared for me.  Chuck said that Jasmine called him first when it happened and the story explained to him by her was that of a man who broke and tried to end his life because she created on her husband for over a year.  Not I'm a nagging way but in an apologetic way. 

But there is a video ( a video I can't bring myself to see ) that said a different story.  That spoke of hatred and disgust in me and pride and what she did ... in everything she did.

Gawd I don't know what to feel.  I'm ... I don't know.  I want to die again.  I die a little inside when people tell me what she was doing.  So called friends knew but didn't tell me or maybe I was so blinded by my love for her not to see it or believe in what they were saying.  Jenn, AJ 's sister even told me that she was giving Jake too.  Fuck my heart ... I want s knife.  I want to cut out the pieces of my fucking heart so I don't feel this anymore.  I hate how this feels. I never want to feel this again!

And Jasmine doesn't skip a fucking beat.  She dates.  Sees other men.  Probably has Xavier call them dad!

Fuck Fuck Fuck i hate this so much.

Running Busy

OLast week, I ran to Clearfield to see about getting food stamps but I wanted to see some friends though and help out.  Ya knew try to remind myself that I used to be useful and loved.

My ride down was my ex girlfriend Kayla.  She recognized the area so picking me up was easy. On the 20 minute drive we talked. . . Well she talked about her post jobs and the men she's been with in the past 2-3 years we haven't talked.  I didn't want to tell her about the jail or the psych ward or the reason I lost everything. 

We got to Clearfield and I was suppose to help my 2nd brother, Danny and his mother Tina move from their stuff into the U-Haul.  However,  the voice in my head ( whom I called James ) wanted to spend some time with Kayla.  It made sense to spend some time with someone who doesn't completely hate us.

So we spent the night . . . Remembering why we got together to beginning with and why we eventually broke up.  Memory road . . . Isn't it wonderful?

The next day, Danny replied to the messages I left for him on Facebook and I'd made my way to where Danny and his mom lived. He had a small U-Haul but we played Tetris with boxes, dressers,  mattresses and fish tanks. A girl Sahra and her husband Ryan helped but Ryan has to leave to watch their two kids.  We all had fun and worked hard to move but we didn't finish until lol 9 - 10 at night. I got some of my stuff from Danny s possession like my computer tower and he gave me a new small desktop computer and a glass chess play set.

Standing next to Sahra seeing Danny and Tina leave the apartment in the complex I realized that I was seeing my best friend,  my gaming buddy, my brother leave across state.  It felt like the end of an era.  So many memories that we shared and more there will not be anymore memories with him.

I started to realize that the reasons for me to even come to this town of broken memories were dwindling. People have either moved out or moved on or gained family ( which usually involves more privacy ) or there's bad blood.  Made me think of never coming back ... ever.

Sahra invited me to come over and eat with Ryan and Dom ( their oldest toddler ). They served me steak,  corn and attempted cake but I was stuffed street two big steaks lol

Sahra took me out back for a smoke.  She told me her life story as of recently.  Some drama and his and dreams for the future that I happily listened to.  I noticed she was a nice girl. James kept saying that she was trying to come on to us so when she offered to walk me home, I virtually had to push her back to her house.  I already caved into his impulses once this week.  I am trying to keep it to a minimum. Idk. Trying to be better than I am I guess. 

I walked back to Danny's old apartment because he allowed me to spend the night since the key had to be returned in the morning but I wanted to see my adopted daughter Tyra and her mother Tammy so I grabbed the 50lbs computer tower, a bag of clothes Kayla gave me,  a bag of posters and the glass chess play set and I walked what should have taken me 30 minutes but it took me 2 hours since it was a lot of go a block or two then switch hands or put the tower on my head for easy transport. 

I finally got to Tammy's house a little after midnight.  When I got I'm Tammy told me that Tyra was at a friend's place.  I was disappointed but I was exhausted so in mid speak I got naked and jumped in the shower because I feel comfortable enough with Tammy that she'll behave herself.  Took a shower and passed out on her bed.

I woke up in the morning and Tammy had to run errands all day so I had to find another place to be so I jumped on Facebook and talked to Brandi.  She said that I could but she lived in Hyde which is a five minute drive but an hour and minute walk (that's without mistakes). Took me 75 minutes.

When I got to their apartment in Hyde I was drenched.  Got a quick shower and changed shirt. Then I hung out on the front porch with Brandi comparing their new compound to the old one.  They got rules in Hyde that Lawrence Park Village never had.  We watched her three kids play with the other kids in the apartment complex until Matt came home from work.  Then I tried to fix their laptop that was running slow and then they served me chicken, potatoes, corn and stuffing. Then Matt drove me back to Clearfield telling me about his Subaru Legacy and that he is gonna sell it for 3k. I told him that I'd consider buying it from him before tax season.

In Clearfield, I told him to drive me to Jenn's place and  Bradley and Jenn took me to Chinese ( even though I told Jenn that I already ate ). What I was able to hold I'm was good but afterwards James puked and pooped so I was hungry afterwards.

We came back and got the things ready for camping in the backyard since Jenn s parents kinda hate me ( supposedly for just being born black ... and leaving Jenn before when I went to Clarion to try to get back to school ... oh,  and because I went to jail ... twice ). So we hung out on the grow and talked about random shit.  Almost nothing specific.  A lot of revisited themes thanks to Jenn but fun time had regardless.

The next day we waited for her parents to go to work and got inside to see about a cell phone she said she had for me since Lynn took mine when I left. That particular one ended up not working so she gave me a cracked Galaxy S III which is 10x better than my last phone.

We hung out for a while but I didn't want to be there all day so I tried to find somewhere else to be.  Preferably someplace that someone drives and actually has a car. My friend Brea was a few blocks away but I was not sure where.  Jenn gave me directions but when I followed them I kinda ended up somewhere else so I said Fuck It and started towards my appointment at the Assistance Office.

When I got there I was, once again, drenched and on the way to the bathroom I saw another ex girlfriend,  Stephanie.  I didn't drop a step. I kept walking to the bathroom.  I used the bathroom and changed shirts.  Came out looking nice as fuck I'm telling You right now.

I didn't give her the time of day because one of the reasons for me coming to Clearfield was her and she stopped responding and everything once I came to Clearfield so my mind was "Fuck Her". I could tell she was trying to check me out throughout her stay until she left. She left and I took care of my business and I left. . . Feeling pretty Damn Good about myself.

While walking downtown I started to realize that I was running outta places and people to hang out with so I needed to find a place where I got Wi-Fi which was downtown Clearfield at the library to get a hold of Mom and Dad and tell them what happened at the Assistance Office.  I then messaged Tammy and she said that Tyra was home was I walked over to see Tyra. I stayed for a while and then Beth Ann and Jess messaged me and wanted to hang out. I left Tammy s place to hang out with the falls for a while before my friend Savannah came to pick me up and take me home. 

Busy week.  Fun week.  Crazy week.