I realize that I was wrong to be so upset at Jasmine. I ... have problems trusting that other people are gonna be concerned about my wishes and what I want.
This events proves to me that Jasmine does do what she feels is best towards me. And for that, I shall forever love her the best I can, with my flaws ( that I will work on reducing ) and my strength!
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
My Inability To Trust People To Do What I Want
So I went out with my 4th Mum, Jane, to complain about a few things but the real main reason was to find out what ring Jasmine got.
I know, what kinda person am I to be so manipulating. Well, if you knew me before Jasmine then this wouldn't be anything new. The world that I used to live in would have me not trusting people to do what I would need them to to allow for things to go smoothly.
Anyways, we go in and it happened to be the last thing we did there and it took some old school skills to find out that she got me the ring that I wanted. Exactly the ring I want. I mean, I gave her the choice of two and she picked the perfect one.
Now, how do you think I feel? ... like a dick. Not in the good scene either.
I have a long way to go if I am to be the man that Jasmine deserves. But this has proved me that I have to put my future wife on a better pedistool.
Jasmine, please forgive me.
I know, what kinda person am I to be so manipulating. Well, if you knew me before Jasmine then this wouldn't be anything new. The world that I used to live in would have me not trusting people to do what I would need them to to allow for things to go smoothly.
Anyways, we go in and it happened to be the last thing we did there and it took some old school skills to find out that she got me the ring that I wanted. Exactly the ring I want. I mean, I gave her the choice of two and she picked the perfect one.
Now, how do you think I feel? ... like a dick. Not in the good scene either.
I have a long way to go if I am to be the man that Jasmine deserves. But this has proved me that I have to put my future wife on a better pedistool.
Jasmine, please forgive me.
Monday, February 20, 2012
Something Wrong
Okay, so I am freaking out a little bite. Jasmine went to get my ring today for the wedding. Yeah, I know the wedding is next week but it is very fucked up all together cuz of WalMart but … yeah.
Anyways, she comes back and I asked her how much was left over of the hundred and she said like 30 cuz she didn’t get me the ring that I told her to get. This morning, I have her the pamphlet and told her to get one of the two. I would have been happy with one of the two that I picked out for myself. Matter of fact, it took me a while to pick the right ring since I actually care about something that I am gonna wear for a long, long time. Well the rings I picked out were not really expensive since I like simplicity. So I asked her why what happened to the rest of the money. She said that she bought me a surprise ring.
I hate surprises. I hate surprises. Oh did I mention that I hate surprises. I understand life has its own share of surprises but even those I do my best to prepare for. Yeah, it sounds crazy and whatnot but it is what I do. I do my best to prepare for whatever is thrown at me but I still hate surprises. She knows this. I’ve repeated this many, many times.
So now I am on the verge of hyperventilating because … am I making the right choice here. I mean, it seems like something Jenn would do and I wanted to blow off my own head with her stupid surprises. I do not want to be surprised with a pink ring or something with hearts. I spent weeks to pick out the right ring for me and she just spit on that.
But I can’t bring this to her. She seems so happy about this surprise. That and it would just have us arguing. But my gawd I’m on the verge of breaking down here. I am terrorified that … maybe … I don’t know. Gawd, I need a smoke. I need to shot someone. I need … I’m stepping out. Later.
Anyways, she comes back and I asked her how much was left over of the hundred and she said like 30 cuz she didn’t get me the ring that I told her to get. This morning, I have her the pamphlet and told her to get one of the two. I would have been happy with one of the two that I picked out for myself. Matter of fact, it took me a while to pick the right ring since I actually care about something that I am gonna wear for a long, long time. Well the rings I picked out were not really expensive since I like simplicity. So I asked her why what happened to the rest of the money. She said that she bought me a surprise ring.
I hate surprises. I hate surprises. Oh did I mention that I hate surprises. I understand life has its own share of surprises but even those I do my best to prepare for. Yeah, it sounds crazy and whatnot but it is what I do. I do my best to prepare for whatever is thrown at me but I still hate surprises. She knows this. I’ve repeated this many, many times.
So now I am on the verge of hyperventilating because … am I making the right choice here. I mean, it seems like something Jenn would do and I wanted to blow off my own head with her stupid surprises. I do not want to be surprised with a pink ring or something with hearts. I spent weeks to pick out the right ring for me and she just spit on that.
But I can’t bring this to her. She seems so happy about this surprise. That and it would just have us arguing. But my gawd I’m on the verge of breaking down here. I am terrorified that … maybe … I don’t know. Gawd, I need a smoke. I need to shot someone. I need … I’m stepping out. Later.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Working on Breaking Into The Gaming Scene
I am up at 4:40 in the morning because I went to sleep too early last night. L Regardless, being up so early has allowed me two things. One being privacy and the second being and easier hijacked internet access. During the day it gets sluggish to the point of not wanting to use it but now I see that the internet is a lot faster.
See, I’ve been trying to figure out what I should do with my returned PS3 and internet access from the neighbor ( and I nifty new red and black headset for the PS3 ) . I wanted to join an online faction of some sort but honestly, even I have to admit that my gaming ability is kinda rusty. So what I should be doing is sharpening my skills so I can at least compete.
However, I haven’t been able to push myself to play the more popular online games such as the Call of Duty series. Matter of fact, I’ve been more interested in the Rainbow Six Vegas 2 game that I got when I got my PS3 back. However, I have a lot to learn about squad play. Also, when I played online, not many people I actually played with had headsets so it was hard to communicate a functional plan. Regardless, I still have to work on the game itself. I am just on level two and I do see the “You’ve been killed” screen more times than I would like.
Slightly frustrating when you fail in things you actually like … which seems like a running theme in my life the past few weeks. A little discouraging if I do say so myself. But I am doing my best to manage and balance and stay above the shallow yet dangerous water of self-loathing.
But right now, I have to work on knocking off some of these games so I can delete the Game Data from the hard drive. I downloaded DC Universe Online a while back and Jasmine seemed to actually like it but with the slow internet, I felt deleting it would allow me to play the other games I have in my library. However, I am having second thoughts on that. It is an online game that allows you to create your own super hero/villain and complete missions. Some with other players. It would be a nice game to get used to being online since I, for some reason, cannot properly download PlayStation Home and I haven’t bought Sims 3 yet.
Bottom line is that I have to re-familiarize myself to the gaming scene before I jump to the online completive scene. Words from the infamous Disney cartoon Filmore, “Baby Steps, [Nicolas]! Baby steps.”
See, I’ve been trying to figure out what I should do with my returned PS3 and internet access from the neighbor ( and I nifty new red and black headset for the PS3 ) . I wanted to join an online faction of some sort but honestly, even I have to admit that my gaming ability is kinda rusty. So what I should be doing is sharpening my skills so I can at least compete.
However, I haven’t been able to push myself to play the more popular online games such as the Call of Duty series. Matter of fact, I’ve been more interested in the Rainbow Six Vegas 2 game that I got when I got my PS3 back. However, I have a lot to learn about squad play. Also, when I played online, not many people I actually played with had headsets so it was hard to communicate a functional plan. Regardless, I still have to work on the game itself. I am just on level two and I do see the “You’ve been killed” screen more times than I would like.
Slightly frustrating when you fail in things you actually like … which seems like a running theme in my life the past few weeks. A little discouraging if I do say so myself. But I am doing my best to manage and balance and stay above the shallow yet dangerous water of self-loathing.
But right now, I have to work on knocking off some of these games so I can delete the Game Data from the hard drive. I downloaded DC Universe Online a while back and Jasmine seemed to actually like it but with the slow internet, I felt deleting it would allow me to play the other games I have in my library. However, I am having second thoughts on that. It is an online game that allows you to create your own super hero/villain and complete missions. Some with other players. It would be a nice game to get used to being online since I, for some reason, cannot properly download PlayStation Home and I haven’t bought Sims 3 yet.
Bottom line is that I have to re-familiarize myself to the gaming scene before I jump to the online completive scene. Words from the infamous Disney cartoon Filmore, “Baby Steps, [Nicolas]! Baby steps.”
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Jasmine’s Lack of Action
I love Jasmine with all my heart. I do! But there are things that stomps on my nerves.
I have learned to be a strong believer that actions speak volumes over the words that come out of the mouths of people. The vast majority of people can’t and don’t do what they say they are gonna do for one reason or another so I have learned not to believe it. Matter of fact, I have lent a friend of mine 20$ for something she seemed to really need so I sacrificed the 20$ I had so that she could. Now that was like 2 months ago. Still no return of the favor. Matter of fact, I haven’t heard from her in forever until yesterday where I remembered about her word. But like every other person, she had excuses. Saying that she was saving money to get herself an apartment ( which is everyone’s excuse for not returning money owed ).
So needless to say, I hate people who words don’t produce action. I work hard everyday to make sure that the things that I say I am going to do are done. I live by that code of ‘A MAN IS ONE WHO DOES WHAT HE SAYS TO THE BEST OF HIS ABILITY!’
Yet, Jasmine isn’t really capable of doing that without much reminder of her word. Matter of fact, she has a personal situation where her daughter, Tenia, is with her guardian without reasonable visitation guidelines for the past two years. Now, for weeks she hasn’t done much of anything concerning anyone to call or talk to or even looking for other avenues in trying to at least legally get to see Tenia. No actions to her constant, “I miss my daughter!”, “Why won’t that bitch let me see her?”, “This isn’t right!”. I understand that she doesn’t know what to do but … who does?! There are avenues to look into. I have told her about the Laurel Legal people who help low income families with such things. Even Children Youth Services help with visitation situations. But those are resources I have found. Hell, even her going to MidPen Legal for free legal advice was me pushing her to learn something rather than not doing a damn thing.
It is so frustrating. I mean, when parents say that they’ll do anything for their children, that should be carved in stone in their mind. Anyone who knows me knows that if I were in that situation that I would break open the heavens to make it happen for me. Even if it doesn’t get me directly there, it would put me in a better position today than yesterday.
I am not asking for perfection. I am not perfect by any measures. But DAMNIT! DO SOMETHING! Make that effort. Be exhausted by exhausting every option. Put the work in it. Put in the hours. Ask for help. Make shit happen. Hassel people. FUCK!
It just gets on my nerves that it is so hard to have her do even the small steps for whatever reason. Hell, it could be because she feels that the steps are too small or maybe she is scared or something. But dammit. It boils my blood and brings fire to my eyes when she doesn’t do what she should. That she just goes through her days and weeks putting so much effort in the mental missing her daughter to exhaustion without any sort of action. I mean, I shouldn’t have to go to Children Youth Services or MidPenn Legal or any lawyer to ask for advice or help with her situation. I understand help but what is she doing to my help? What is she doing towards her daughter? What is she DOING?!?! Her missing Tenia, her wishing she had her back doesn’t amount to action! Pure and simple.
I need to sit down. No one hears me.
I have learned to be a strong believer that actions speak volumes over the words that come out of the mouths of people. The vast majority of people can’t and don’t do what they say they are gonna do for one reason or another so I have learned not to believe it. Matter of fact, I have lent a friend of mine 20$ for something she seemed to really need so I sacrificed the 20$ I had so that she could. Now that was like 2 months ago. Still no return of the favor. Matter of fact, I haven’t heard from her in forever until yesterday where I remembered about her word. But like every other person, she had excuses. Saying that she was saving money to get herself an apartment ( which is everyone’s excuse for not returning money owed ).
So needless to say, I hate people who words don’t produce action. I work hard everyday to make sure that the things that I say I am going to do are done. I live by that code of ‘A MAN IS ONE WHO DOES WHAT HE SAYS TO THE BEST OF HIS ABILITY!’
Yet, Jasmine isn’t really capable of doing that without much reminder of her word. Matter of fact, she has a personal situation where her daughter, Tenia, is with her guardian without reasonable visitation guidelines for the past two years. Now, for weeks she hasn’t done much of anything concerning anyone to call or talk to or even looking for other avenues in trying to at least legally get to see Tenia. No actions to her constant, “I miss my daughter!”, “Why won’t that bitch let me see her?”, “This isn’t right!”. I understand that she doesn’t know what to do but … who does?! There are avenues to look into. I have told her about the Laurel Legal people who help low income families with such things. Even Children Youth Services help with visitation situations. But those are resources I have found. Hell, even her going to MidPen Legal for free legal advice was me pushing her to learn something rather than not doing a damn thing.
It is so frustrating. I mean, when parents say that they’ll do anything for their children, that should be carved in stone in their mind. Anyone who knows me knows that if I were in that situation that I would break open the heavens to make it happen for me. Even if it doesn’t get me directly there, it would put me in a better position today than yesterday.
I am not asking for perfection. I am not perfect by any measures. But DAMNIT! DO SOMETHING! Make that effort. Be exhausted by exhausting every option. Put the work in it. Put in the hours. Ask for help. Make shit happen. Hassel people. FUCK!
It just gets on my nerves that it is so hard to have her do even the small steps for whatever reason. Hell, it could be because she feels that the steps are too small or maybe she is scared or something. But dammit. It boils my blood and brings fire to my eyes when she doesn’t do what she should. That she just goes through her days and weeks putting so much effort in the mental missing her daughter to exhaustion without any sort of action. I mean, I shouldn’t have to go to Children Youth Services or MidPenn Legal or any lawyer to ask for advice or help with her situation. I understand help but what is she doing to my help? What is she doing towards her daughter? What is she DOING?!?! Her missing Tenia, her wishing she had her back doesn’t amount to action! Pure and simple.
I need to sit down. No one hears me.
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